Friday, August 15, 2014

Rocky Mountain Haiku

Nine day vacation
How best to tell the story?
Each day in Haiku

Day 1
Got an early start
Left at a quarter till noon
Only broke down twice

Day 2
Drove up the mountains
Set up camp and pitched the tent
Just in time for rain

Day 3
Off-roading in Jeeps
Dramamine was a god-send
No vomit this year!


Day 4
Hot shower and hot sex
And more rain, rain, rain. rain, rain
followed by more rain

Day 5
Parents get to camp
The rain continues to fall
They rent a cabin

Day 6
Sun shine? What the fuck?
Air out tent and go on hike
"Oh look, more rain clouds."

Day 7
Dad is not impressed
"Why go? A lake is a lake,
a rock is a rock."

Day 8
Finally clear skies
Night perfect for star gazing
Hello Milky Way

Day 9
Sadly homeward bound
Watch the mountains dissapear
Smaller, smaller, gone.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

7 Reasons to Hate Lists

Lists. You love them. You hate them. I HATE them more. That is actually a lie. I have loved lists for a long time. I've been known to make lists about the lists I need to make. Writing a list about all the chores I need to ignore complete is one of my favorite pastimes. And don't get me started on how it feels to cross off items on a list. One word: orgasmic.

But they've been ruined for me. Why, Internet, why? Why did you turn everything into a list? Why can't you write quality content and pertinent titles? Articles and headlines have jumped the shark and I know I'm not the only one longing for the day the Listicle (List + Article) DIES. I hope it dies in 66 Excruciating Steps.

Oh Lists, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways.

1. Is this *really* the only way you can intelligibly convey your idea to me?
You made me stoop to your level. 

2. Over. Used.
Can we please move on to the next thing so I can get sick of IT already?

3. They're all basically the same list.
Think about it. 13 Secrets of Happy People, 8 Best Burger Toppings, 32 Facts You Didn't Know About Antiques Roadshow. 

4. Pretty sure they just make shit up as they go along to make the list longer.
That's just lame. I would NEVER do that.

5. Sensationalism is THE WORST.
God, amiright? NOTHING is worse. Except maybe human trafficking, rigged financial systems, humanitarian crisis in Syria, starving children...

6. They're all a load of crap.
They never tell you something you didn't already know. 

7. And a complete, unfulfilled waste of time.
I'm looking at you HUFFINGTON POST.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Don't Eat at Applebee's... Con't.

You guys know I don't like Applebee's. The list starts here. But there's so many more. TOO many more. Each time I believe the slow/real food movement takes root (see what I did there?), there's another AppleHorn Factory popping up. Like a weed. Like a filty, resistant, same-mass-produced-food weed.

Do yourself a flavor favor and do NOT eat at Applebee's. ANY of them.

Cheddar's: Fancy Applebee's

LongHorn Steak House: Cowboy Applebee's

O'Charley's: Irish Applebee's. Oh wait, it's really Mexican?

TGIFridays: Office Space Applebee's

Cracker Barrel: Deliverance Applebee's

Cheesecake Factory: FanciER Applebee's

PF Changs: Asian Applebee's

Boston Market: Cafeteria Applebee's

Ruby Tuesday: I got nothing.

Bob Evans: Everything is Soft Applebee's

Buffalo Wild Wings: If you're going somewhere for the wings, have some respect and go to Hooters.

It should go without saying any establishment with a drive-thru or all-you-can-eat buffet should be avoided. Except Indian buffets. Mmmmmmmmmmindianbuffets.......

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Words Are Hard

Words are hard. Sometimes it's not our fault because the word we're looking for doesn't exist. When that happens you're left feeling a sense that no one understands you and the message you're trying to convey gets lost in the abyss of white noise... never to be heard, never to be understood.

To combat that, here are some words I (with the help of friends) have created. At least I think we created. If they exist already I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss. I made that up too. 

an-shit-i-pa-tion [an-shit-i-pey-shun]
The feeling of a sudden, urgent, bowel movement one gets when anxious, excited, waiting for something important, or in line without someone to hold your place for you. Always in public, this feeling can strike without warning. Usually, but not always, accompanied by the sweats.

Natasha had a visceral reaction to the bargains at Maj-R thrift and was struck with anshitipations, leaving Sabrina in the dressing rooms.

de-pre-cious [dih-presh-uh s]
Being in a state of melancholy while simultaneously being adorable. Cute coinciding with gloom, dejection or sadness.

Sammy Davis Jr's meows for more food are deprecious.

me-gan-eese [meh-gun-ees]
Talking nonsensical, juxtaposing letters or even whole words in sentences. Abusing and potentially misusing synonyms. Not a symptom of drinking, however, imbibing can compound the issue. Named for Megan and her mouth.

"Wahoo, I got a dancy frink from the hamburger!" "Go home Megan, you're drunk." "But home good are sleepy is tuch mime." 

dork-es-tra [dawrk-es-strah]
A group of musicians that routinely play and perform together and would rather practice, practice, practice than have a social life.

"Natasha, do you want to go out tonight?" "No, I have dorkestra practice."  

an-ni-hil-plate [uh-nayh-uh-pleyt]
To eat your food quickly, to utterly destroy your meal. To reek havoc on meal time. See: Hangry.

Hungry, Jon annihiplated the spaghetti in 3 seconds flat.

Monday, December 23, 2013

My, what a lovely smile you have

Apparently I needed a reminder in humility.


Friday, after a beautiful office lunch on the Plaza, I jetted off to a meeting. Confident in my preparation, I entered the conference room and took the last available seat. The seat happened to be at the head of the table next to the meeting leader and one of my work-place crushes.

The meeting went well, I spoke confidently and my ideas were well received. My work crush laughed at my jokes. I left feeling what Hilary Clinton must feel when she is a bad ass at her job.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I stole a glance in the rear view mirror and my entire world collapsed. It was all a facade. In the mirror looking back at me:


::baffled:: No said anything?????


Be careful out there you guys, those son-of-a-bitch garnishes are lurking around your plates just waiting, praying, to get stuck in your chompers.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Vacation Change

Finding change is one of my favorite things. You know this. Amplify this love by the how great it is to be on vacation and you've got my blog post. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I just got back from one vacation and I'm already going on another. That was either a dumb move or brilliant on my part, I'm not sure.

It was brilliant.

Anyhoozle, Dan and I went to the Pacific Northwest hitting British Columbia, Portland and Seattle. All told I found  between $0.20 and $0.22 depending on the exchange rate. Not too shabby!

The Dime
I didn't see it first, Dan did. I thought he was having a conniption of some sort. His eyes were bugged out and kept darting from me to the floor. So I followed his gaze and saw what I shall claim to be the shiniest dime of all time. A Canadian (eh) Dime. It was under the chair of the table next to me. Unoccupied, fortunately, I dove under the chair and grabbed my first foreign coin score.

The First Penny
A few days later we were in Portland heading off to breakfast when I caught sight of a rather unsightly penny on the sidewalk. I *almost* didn't want to put it in my pocket but Dan washed it in a puddle for me. True Love.  

The Second Penny AKA The Penny I Didn't Pick Up
Yes you read that right. I did NOT pick up this penny. It was clean, shiny even, but, I left it where it lay. I think it was heads down but even that isn't a deal breaker for me. The real reasons I didn't pick up Mr. Lincoln was that A) it was right by somebody's foot in a crowded Apple store and B) I saw it as a good luck sign, not a coin to pocket.

The day before my phone suffered minor water damage on a hike. It was functional, but, the flash was shorting out. The Apple store said it would continue to function for an untold amount of time and that replacing my phone would be $200. I saw the penny and knew I had luck on my side. 

My phone still hasn't died and, in fact, the light has turned off!

The Nickel
After a 8 mile hike through part of the Columbia River Gorge we headed to an overcrowded, tourist favorite: Maltnomoah Fall. The waterfall is stunning and so incredibly tall. I found the nickel on our way out.

The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Penny
After buying the subway fair from the kiosk I notice a penny at my feet. And three of his friends off to the left. Cha-Ching!

I didn't come close to breaking even on what was spent on this vacation, but, I'm convinced I came out ahead(s up). 

Monday, August 26, 2013

Live Life Like You're Camping

For the second time now I have survived camping 10 days in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. You'd be right if you're thinking to yourself "Huh? Natasha doesn't strike me as an outdoorsy type." I'm NOT a shit-in-the-woods kind of gal, but, with some creative angling and a big enough boulder I CAN pee in the woods. I think we call that personal growth.

Live Life Like You're Camping

1. Take care of your house (tent).
Close (zip) the front door to not let the flies (and spiders!) in. Close your windows when you leave. It may be sunny when you leave in the morning but an afternoon rain may (will) blow through and soak your bedding and all worldly possessions. Author note: I learned this last year.

Be neat, separate your dirty and clean clothes. Make the bed. Also, take off, and keep, your shoes outside.

2. Rise with the sun
Ok, maybe not at the exact moment that the sun rises, however, it's a good idea to not let it to high in the sky before you get up. Plus, there's lots to do. Like haul water.

3. Conserve water
You have to haul that shit. Don't waste it. Can you thoroughly wash your hands with much less water? Yes. Dan showered once with only 2.5 gallons of water. Dan also only showered once. But that's a different story.

4. Eat for fuel
The water isn't going to haul itself, nor is the fire going to light itself. There's a lot to do even before you get to the fun things like hiking, biking or just sight seeing. Eat to keep you going. I didn't always heed this one. I found myself face first in a bag of chips more than once.

5. Make time for star gazing
Instead of looking up, lie on your back and look out! Your eyeballs really gets to soak it all in and your neck will thank you. Beauty, perspective, awe. We all need more of that in our lives.

6. Appreciate the task
Without fail, you spend considerable more time preparing any meal than you do eating it. Relish the task of preparing your meal. In "normal life" these are just straight up chores. Relish the chopping, stirring, grilling and feeding your friends, family and yourself!

7. Be kind, be happy
Camping is rough. There is constant work, the sleeping conditions are sub-par and your boyfriend has only showered once. And don't forget the 12 hour drive home. There is no room for you to be a Poopy Panther. In fact, be kind and happy. Camping, and Life, is a short, precious pocket of time you get to experience beauty and love in. Be thankful for both.

Ok, I thought I was done but I really have 1 more.

8. Let the other person go to the bathroom first.
3 words. Automatic Seat Warmer.