Monday, June 23, 2008

Gonna Make You Sweat!

There are times in one's life when you achieve such quiet reflection over who you are as a person and you are able to finally put everything together about why you're here, who you are supposed to be and what is important in this life.

And then your tits fart.

That's right boys and girls, Friday night I went to Hot Yoga. I'll get to the flatuclating breasts in a moment, but for those of you who are not aware, Hot Yoga is 90 minutes of yoga done in a room that is kept at a balmy 105 degrees. Sticking me in a room that is that hot COUPLED with an intense work out was a definite lack of judgment on my part. I've done Regular Room Temperature Yoga before and should have realized that there were going to holds and grabs and extensions that even with dry skin, are difficult for me to hold. To paint an accurate picture of what Friday looked like, I am going to fall back on a timeless analogy:

It was like wrestling an effing greased pig.

And losing.

The instructor often, mockingly, instructed us to wipe off our hands to dry them. Unless she meant I was welcome to wipe off on her pant leg, I wasn't sure what dry surface area she was talking about. Every square inch of me was covered in sweat. YES, even there. And let me tell you, nothing feels more bizarre. Who knew you could sweat IN your ears.

And now back to why you’re really reading. So, I’d say we were about half way through and the instructor had guided us into a pose that left us bent at the knees and the instructor wanted us to put our chin into our chest and move as close to our knees as possible. I’m holding this position, KNOWING that I can reach nirvana. I envision myself reaching this pose, knowing that my spine will allow me to move into position. I take a deep breath and push my chin towards my chest.

The effect was nothing less than performing a “razzberry” on a toddler’s stomach. The angle of my chin and the force behind it hit at the right angle, causing a loud “ripping” sound. At the same time, the (substantial amount of) liquid on both surface areas were hit with this vibration, causing a “shower” of sorts to rain onto my face.

Needless to say, I lost my focus.

Oh well, there is always the next life to achieve Nirvana… who else can say they made their chest cut the cheese?

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I wouldn't characterize myself as commitment-phobic. Rather, I'd say that I'm just really, really open to change and want to be able to change at a moments notice. A lot of people would say that people who are unable to commit are insecure and unable to think for themselves; always relying on others or changing their minds at the last second due to their flaky nature. I say I just have a short attention span and really have no clue what I am doing this Saturday so why bothering asking on a Wednesday!

With that being said, I will be making a commitment. With a guy. I know this may come as a shock for most of you, and for those of you not shocked yet... the guy in question is gay.

Now you're shocked. And maybe confused.

My gym membership is month to month. I like it this way. There is no contract to sign, no membership fees or dues and no cancellation charges. Wham-Bam Thank-You Ma'am. Nice and easy. We're still talking about my gym membership.

However, there are other options. A two-some can go month to month at a discounted rate. And a two-some can buy 6 months at an even more discounted rate. I've been asked to be someones gym two-some. This is both an honor and completely frightening. Do I see myself going to this gym in 6 months time? Yes. Do like the idea of saving about $75? Yes. Do I like the fact that I am now part of a "couple?" No. Though, it is befitting that one of my most significant relationships at this point in my life BE with a gay man, I just don't know if I am ready yet. I know I can trust him and I know that he'll always honestly tell me how I look in my workout outfit.

I suppose that this is good practice for me to not be so afraid of making commitments. Going through this could make me less prone to anxiety when making plans more than a week out. Or choosing an outfit to wear in the morning. Or ordering lunch.

So, wish me luck everyone. Hopefully this will all work out for the best. The good thing is that we're both aware that this is a relationship of convenience, nothing more is excepted of either of us. A commitment with low expectations is hopefully one that I won't eff up.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Over Achiever

The new job is awesome. It's really laid back and casual. Today I took a yoga class over my lunch hour. It's a different way of life for me now...

I suppose I just wanted to get the formalities out of the way. I have already accomplished "farting at my desk on accident*" and "getting sexually harassed" here. You're impressed, I know.

The first one was, obviously, on accident. I coughed a little too hard. You're welcome Shannan.

As for the sexual harassment, I have made it clear that I do not need anyone (especially him) watching me do yoga and that I will NOT go stand in the rain in my white shirt regardless of how nice he asks. I will keep you updated if he requires a mouthful of my fist.

*Who else here is surprised I didn't fart in the Yoga class? ::raising hand::