Thursday, August 28, 2008

Mommy Dearest

One of my newest hobbies is learning to read Tarot Cards. My friend Athena has been reading for many, many years and is mentoring me. I was surprised, to say the very least, for this new practice to be warmly accepted by BOTH of my parents and both were game when I read their cards last Sunday.

I had dinner with them yesterday and my mom asked if I had brought my cards with me because she had a question for them. After cleaning up, we sat around the table and I shuffled the cards while I had her concentrate on her question.

"Where is the earring that I lost this morning?"

.............this is just one of the countless reasons why I love my mom.

For the curious crowd, the cards said that she'll stumble across it while she's not looking for it.... so stay tuned to find out where (and if) it shows up.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Friday, August 15, 2008

....and one for my homie

Whitney had to move away. This makes me sad.

I will miss you Whitty Woo! You always made me laugh.

Hey guys! Remember that one time Whitney's lighter exploded? Yeah, good times.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

What a Racquet!

Thought I'd share a funny email exchange.....

There was a Buy/Sell/Trade Bulletin Board at work and someone had posted that their tennis racquet was for sell. This individual went on for over a full paragraph about how wonderful his racquet was and how good the racquet had been to him, but that it was just time to sell her, however painful, and move on.

The following email exchange takes place:

MyHairIsBetterThanYours: I don't play tennis, but I want your racquet.

MyRacquetIsBetterThanYours: You have $30?

Hair: I am not going to buy your racquet

Racquet: :( dang

Hair: You just made the racquet sound NECESSARY in my life, I want it.

Racquet: Good!!! You have $30?

Hair: I am not buying your racquet.

Racquet: I tell you what....I will let you touch it, see how it feels, take a couple swings, feel the power of it. You will buy it then, I know you will buy it then.

Hair: I am not looking for a long term.... racquet. Maybe one or two swings, that is all.

Racquet: You said you wanted, now you only want it for a little while? Tell me that makes sense and I'll tell you pigs fly out of my butt.

Hair: I said I wanted it. I never specified for how long.

Racquet: ohhh, ok. So you are the type of person who likes something and wants something, but once that something gets used, abused, and old, you get rid of it? Is that what I am hearing? I love her, I just want to give her to someone who is going to love her like I did ya know. Someone who is going to treat her right, sleep with her when it gets to cold for her to stay in the car. Someone who is going to cherish the memories, the good and the bad. Can you do that? Can you be that someone?

Hair: I am afraid not. I'll show the racquet a really good time for a while. It will feel like it is on top of the world. I'll smile every time I see it, take it places it's never been before and let it fall in love with me. But, alas, I will begin to grow restless with the racquet, I will begin to resent the racquet for "holding me back" and for not letting "me be me." I will tell the racquet that I never should have let things go this far, and that it isn't the racquet, it is me. The racquet will be crushed, try to make it work, but there just won't be anything the racquet can do. And while the racquet and I will be good together, great even, I will not be able to give it what it deserves.

Racquet: WHO DOES THAT??? I mean, who plans out a relationship? I mean, has the world gone to a place where the bird can't spread his wings and fly. Have we mistakenly misplaced our hopes and dreams? When we try to find them in the dark, do we get the worst of us; failure and misery? It is this that makes me saddened by the hardships, trials and tribulations, and hopelessness of things not seen. But when we turn on the light, when we begin to see the glory of the day when we live and can posses what we know will make us virtuous and true, it is then, and only then when we can negate the cycle of thinking past what we know, live in the present, and let whatever happen, happen.

Hair: I'm not buying your racquet.

I should be a contributing author

I found this gem of a blog.

I wonder if I submitted "Because you were so hairy that you left hair on my furniture and I didn't want to invest in one of these" if they'd publish it?


Maybe I could suggest a spin off blog called "Reasons why you didn't get a second date." I could offer them quite a few posting so that they'd hit the ground running...

  • Because you had 5 ferrets
  • Because you ate all my Hot Tamales (after saying you didn't like them!)
  • Because you sniffed me and finished with an audible "ahhhhh..."
  • Because you told me the wrong time for the show
  • Because you didn't show up to the first one - Oh wait - that is actually sad for me.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Flying High

...or drunk, as it were.

To put the most wretched of endings on a perfectly lovely vacation, United Airlines cancelled our flight home Saturday evening. We were stuck in Raleigh for the night. Let me wrap that sentence in a cozy context blanket for you. I was stuck with my parents, 2 brothers and 1 brother's girlfriend in Raleigh after being with them all week.... and more importantly... being with them ALL DAY at the airport.

In a twist that I don't even know how even I pulled off - I ended up stranded in the same city one of my best "going out" friends moved to recently. She was my knight (Teeny Tiny Lesbian) riding in to save me on a white horse (Toyota Matrix, rather), wearing shining armour (cute Bermuda shorts and a t-shirt). She got my going-to-go-insane-if-my-mom-asks-one-more-time-what-"True Lies"-was-about ass out of the hotel and to a bar.

So, Dani, picks me up at 10:30... we go to this fabulous little Italian restaurant called Bocci and then hit a dance club that used to be an old warehouse. I had a few beers and then yadda yadda yadda I was back in my hotel room at 3:30. After spending 20 minutes breathing my spins away, I was able to pass out for an hour. David dragged me out of bed at 5:08 and I put on pants and sunglasses.

I wasn't going to be a burden to the family, though, I was determined to carry my own luggage and walk briskly to the gate on my own. However, I had forgotten that the family hadn't had our obligatory "random" security check yet for the trip, and seeing how our last names rhymes with "Derka-derka-derka-jihad-allah" we were pulled over, randomly..... in a row.... all 6 of us. I tried to act as normal as I possible could, but, shit man, I was still drunk! The security officer was telling me that I needed to get a pat down and in any other situation, if I am drunk and you're telling me that I was going to get a pat down, you can bet your fondling-promising ass that I am expecting some quality action. Considering the delicate situation we were all in, I had to keep all comments about getting a girl-on-girl grope to myself.

And that, my friends, means that the terrorists have won.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Pressure Under Fire

Whitney dropped her lighter outside of Minsky's pizza last night and that sumofabetch EXPLODED! A bit of the plastic shrapnel hit Whitney's arm and some of the liquid fluid hit my ankle. Whitney thought it was a gunshot and squealed/screamed (and was THISCLOSE to ducking for cover) and I thought it was a magic trick. Yes, we were both a little tipsy.

Some rando-guy came over to light her ciggie and we both thought it was a little too convenient that he was waiting in the wings with a working, non-exploded lighter in hand. I called him the "David Blaine of in front of Minsky's pizza!"

Not Liz, Whitney or I could explain exactly what happened. We came up with multiple theories and hypothesis, none that really made sense to us. But, honestly, the friggin lighter exploded as soon as it made contact with the sidewalk. KABAAM!! How messed up is that?

Needless to say, Whitney is a little gun shy about using a lighter now.