Thursday, January 29, 2009

49 Reasons to Lose the Last 49* Pounds

1. My total weight loss will be more than 50% of my former body weight
2. The strapless maroon velvet dress in my closet
3. Spring
4. … & Summer
5. To run more efficiently
6. To not jiggle when I laugh
7. Clothes, clothes, clothes
8. To see a definite KNEE and ANKLE again
9. I know I have a waist buried underneath all of this…..
10. To inspire others
11. Save on soap & lotion (less surface area)
12. New shoes for all the new clothes!
13. Save on gas
14. Won’t run the risk of being FUPA hunted
15. Boys! Boys! Boys!
16. To be in a Nutri-System commercial
17. Never to wonder if “that smell” is a fat roll I didn’t wash well enough
18. To stop being asked if I’d “like some fries with that shake”
19. Hopefully, to put an end to the chaffing
20. So not a single NFL players weighs less than I do
21. To be really fucking hot
22. A skinny girl farting is much cuter than a fat girl farting
23. So, even though you’ll be sad to see me go, you’ll love to watch me leave
24. Tank Tops
25. Shorts
26. Dresses
27. Skirts
28. Jeans
29. Bikinis
30. Lingerie…
31. …….Or nothing at all……
32. Matt
33. Andrew
34. Scott
35. Richard ::sigh::
36. B.G. the Swedish guy in yoga
37. Baseball Players
38. David’s wedding
39. One chin is enough
40. To not eclipse the sun when I bend over
41. To not get “those looks” when I step onto an almost full elevator
42. To finally meet my belly button
43. Payback
44. To break hearts
45. To take a picture of me standing in one leg of my old jeans
46. To go on Oprah!
47. To not worry if my fat is showing
48. To throw away every pair of Spanx I own
49. And, because, dammit, I’m worth it

*this list started out as “the last 50 pounds……” but I’ve been procrastinating so long that it is now down to 49. Holla! Oh, and I apologize for running out of creative juice somewhere around # 23 or #24…..

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I've given myself the reward of shoe shopping when I lose 10 more pounds. I've set my sights on these 7 lovelies. And you can bet your ass that I'll probably buy all of them. Moderation who?

You're beautiful. How can I NOT have you in my life.

Nautical is suppose to be big this spring.

Teal. Patent. Wedge. I rest my case.

You're pink and you're flat. I can wear you with anything to anywhere!

Hello fabulous cross-action pattern, what's your name?

Teal. SUEDE. Wedge. I rest my case again.

Need I say anything?

Le sigh. Don't worry my sweets, I'll make sure to diet & work out extra hard so you can come live with me.

David the Grill Master

My brother, David (5 years my junior and the youngest) is having a Super Bowl Party that I wasn't invited to! He's grilling/smoking/roasting any and every animal you're legally able to eat in southern Kansas. And yes, the picture above it the "official" invite picture from Facebook. It's ok David, I wouldn't have made the 4 hour round trip anyway...

David is the only Derka-Derka kid to have a certified "red-neck" gene. He hunts, fishes, noodles and actually thinks his wall mounted buck head (11 points) is Classy. We are not really sure where this gene came from. But, you can image that he and I clashed growing up. In fact, the fights he and I engaged in (both verbal and physical) were pretty legendary growing up. He was a biter and I was a slapper.

My parents had zero tolerance for us kids fighting or being rude/mean to one another. I called David a butt head once and I got my mouth washed out with soap. BUTT. HEAD. The way my parents reacted you would have thought I had called him a cock-sucking, mother-fucking bastard. I put up a good fight against getting my mouth washed, though. I don't know if you guys know this or not, but I can be real stubborn. I shouted claims of injustice towards me and physically refused to open my mouth once the soap got too close to me.

I remember these steps outside of the Pink Bathroom (all bathrooms in our house had names) that I would throw myself on and scream and cry, but, my mom would just drag my sorry ass back into the bathroom and try to get the soap in my mouth. Eventually, she won with her "Don't make me get your father...." card.

Anyway, back to David. David is responsible for my family nickname (which I am still called to this very day): Twa. Yup - Twa. Growing up, he couldn't say Natasha, it came out more like "Na-twa-twa." No one has to point out what word that is DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to being.

Thanks David. It appears that you have won.

Monday, January 26, 2009

All in the family....

My sister is a waaaay craftier than I am. Now she wants to blog like me too.

But, my hair is better than hers.

A happy blogaversary to me

It's official. I've been blogging for a year! Saturday was my blog-birfday! Wheeeeee!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Butt Support

Thank you for the outpouring of support.

I've consulted my doctor and we don't believe the bone to actually be broken, but I did suffer a nasty bruise with what he calls "secondary inflammation."

I feel LOADS better today. Seriously you guys, Tuesday was touch and go there for a while. I cried twice because it hurt, but that made it hurt worse, so I had to stop! As I told a few people, with all the junk in my proverbial trunk, you would have thought I wouldn't have to worry about bruising. But I guess one could argue that my junk cushioned the fall and prevented a fracture.

And it's a good thing it isn't broken because I've decided today that I'm doing a half marathon in April! Amy-in-the-Lou inspired me to challenge myself (and reassured me that walking is allowed) and I'm signing up for the Go! St. Louis Half Marathon on April 19th. You guys might point out that there are probably many half marathons here in Kansas City that I could participate in, and you'd be correct, however, Amy-in-the-Lou is in St. Louis, hence the nickname, therefore, I shall drive 250 miles to run 13.1. Totally logical.

Sibling Edition: Daniel-son

My siblings are pretty awesome. I have great stories (and dirt) on all of them. It's fair to assume that they each have more dirt on me, however. I mean, I did some mean sh!t growing up. I was not always the sweet and gentle creature you all have come to know and love today. For those who've been keeping track, I've got the older sis in North Carolina and 2 younger bros, both 2 hours away in college. They were all smart enough to escape from the grips of guilt-trip dripping visits to mom & dad's house... but I digress....

I'm gonna talk about Daniel today. Daniel is 3 years my junior and, in a word, rocks. He's fuck-off smart, funny and doesn't give two shits this side of Tuesday. Some of my favorite memories of Daniel growing up are of him ALWAYS standing up to take the blame for any unsolved mysteries in our house. Was something broken/missing/ruined/lost/shaved/shredded/spilt? In the not-so-rare cases of mom & dad NOT figuring out who did it coupled with no one owning up to it, Daniel would sacrifice himself just to "get it over with." I'm not sure if this was out of sibling solidarity or him just REALLY hating the interrogation process. Either way, when the 4 of us were rounded up and pressed for details, Daniel would sigh, roll his eyes and step forward. Most of the time he couldn't even give mom or dad details on HOW he ruined or broke something (probably because he DID NOT DO IT) but they didn't care. They just needed a lamb to slaughter.

Daniel, I have a confession, brother- it may not come as a surprise.... but 96% of the time... it was me. I did it. I did it and I had NO QUALMS watching you take the fall. Sure, there was a momentary "This isn't 100% fair" feeling in the pit of my stomach, but that was instantly dissolved when the "You got away with ruining the curtains!" endorphins kicked in.

I guess it is about time I apologize, so, I do. Daniel, I am sorry that you took the fall for so many of my past transgressions. I hope you can forgive me.

Please do not kick the shit out of me.

Or, actually, please don't ever to THIS to me.

(Daniel is the one of the left and no, that is not Daniel's number.)

Monday, January 19, 2009

my broken bum OR birthday sledding

A Happy Belated Birthday to my dear, dear friend Becky! Becky, I love you and hope that you had a great birthday. Becky, naturally, wanted to celebrate her birthday by going sledding Friday night at midnight, since it had snowed.

It is areas such as these that Becky and I don't always see eye to eye. But, I try to amuse her. I borrowed every piece of winter outer layer Liz owned; a snow suit, snow boots, a hat, a HUGE Columbia Jacket... and added it to my own "Keep Warm and Dry" combo of clothing which included, leggings, jeans, 2 pairs of socks, 2 sweaters, ANOTHER coat, a huge scarf and 2 pairs of gloves.

Mobility and bendability were sacrificed in the name of warmth. Also not to be had was flattery (please see picture above).

Armed with a giant intertube and a sled, 6 of us trekked to the hill right off 55th(ish) and Main. We paced ourselves, starting off with the smaller of the hills. Since I haven't been sledding since.... I can't even remember when... 10, 12 years maybe, PLUS the fact I'm a huge chicken sh!t, I was a bystander for the first few goes. When I had finally worked up the courage to go, my inability to bend proved to be an obstacle. But Becky is awesome and she helped bend and put my legs into place.

This is the part of the story where I wish "Future Natasha" would have appeared from thin air (or the trees at the top of the hill) and warn me not to go down.... or at least advised me to stick to the smaller, more tame hills. For as soon as I graduate to the larger hills, I will go down a couple of times, catch some air..... and BREAK MY MUTHER FUCKING TAIL BONE.





I was lucky enough that I didn't feel any pain until Monday morning. Why? I am not entirely sure and after reading no less than 3 web pages about a broken coccyx bone, I'm convinced it's broken.

It doesn't stop hurting. It hurts when I stand up or sit down. And I cry like a little girl when I sneeze. Son. Of. A. Bitch. It hurts like no other when I sneeze. Yesterday I was reduced to crawling as the only mode of transportation I could stand. I would laugh, but that hurts too.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

How is it the middle of January already?

Exciting news you guys! I have two official orders for scarves for CASH MONEY! I’ve decided that all profit will go into saving towards the down payment on my house…. I just need to sell, like, 1998 more.

So I opened an Etsy store.

Petites Jonquilles means Little Daffodils in French. And for those that don’t know, my first name is Farsi for Daffodil. PLUS the fact I’m a certificated Francophile brought me to the name. I mean, if it’s French – I am a fan. Toast, fries, presses, kisses, ticklers… the list goes on. You guys, I buy soap based on the sole fact it’s made in France. There was this one time I almost made out with a funky looking Canadian guy because he spoke French. Le Swoon.

In other news, if you live in my neighborhood….. WATCH OUT! Liz and I are going to be going door to door on Saturday collecting food for Harvesters. Or as our flyer said “The Belles of 39th Street will be canvassing the area for donations for our local Harvesters Food Bank.” It was brought to my attention that this weekend/Monday is National Day of Service Day in honor of MLK Jr. and I think it’s important that each and everyone of us practice, in some form, giving back and/or helping others. Even if that mean just opening your door and letting Liz and I raid your pantry.

I’ve decided that I’m NOT picking any more playoff games. Once again, I went 1-3 this past weekend. I really wasn’t kidding with #5 on my year in review. UGH! Wake me up when the Super Bowl gets here.

Lastly, for those concerned readers, I went back to O'Reillys and got the correct bulb. And I also made the guy change it for me.

Ok, actually, THIS is the last thing….

I cut my hair!!!!

This is “short” for me.

Thursday, January 8, 2009


You guys have been very patient with me. That, or no one is reading, therefore it doesn't matter that it has taken this long for me to post pictures of my lovely scarves.

Either way, today is the day! Whee!!!
First is my "Tree" Scarf. I cannot place my inspiration exactly, but I remember that once I had made the scarf, I saw the need to, with needle point, put a tree on it.
I stumbled upon the Heirloom Stitch around Thanksgiving and after making a modification to the original pattern and then adding buttons, this is what I got (there are 2 scarves in the pics).

Then I started growing impatient/bored, so I started crocheting 2 different colors together....
I wanted to make a "pair" of scarves for one of my best buddies, Becky and her boyfriend. They both are awesome, so, in turn, their scarves had to be too.

This one was made for my Aunt Sally who is a Coca-Cola memorabilia collector. She wanted something inspired by that. And of course, there are the ever popular Button Scarves...

I hope they were worth the wait.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dear O'Reilly Auto Parts at I-435 & Stateline:

Suck. It.

You are either, collectively, an incompetent bastard or a chauvinistic bastard. But a bastard none-the-less.

Here is what I know about my car:

-It's White
-It has 4 doors
-It needs gas to run

I am not ashamed of my lack of automobile knowledge. But shame on YOU for trying to make me feel like a dumb ass.

When my passenger side head light went out I thought to myself "Rosie the Riveter said I can do it!" so I decided to change it myself. "It is just a light bulb," I reasoned, "it should be the same principle as every other light bulb I've changed in my life."


You see, O'Reilly Auto Parts at I-435 & Stateline, it is impossible to change a headlight successfully when given THE WRONG FUCKING PART.

I guess it is my bad, O'Reilly, for assuming that when your "clerk" asked for my make and model of car, that I'd be given the appropriate bulb. How OB-fucking-TUSE of me. I guess when I said "2004 Honda Accord" that it was just mere small talk between him and I. If I had known he'd just hand me a random light bulb, I would have said something a little more "me," like "take a shower, kid, your hair looks gross and greasy."

I spent 30 minutes in the cold trying to get that SOB to work. But well played, O'Reilly, for giving me a bulb that looks JUST like the bulb I need minus 1 teeny tiny plastic "thing" on the inside of the electrical source do-hickey-thingie-ma-bob.

I was on the verge of throwing in the towel (or bulb, as it were), and declaring defeat against anything vehicle related. I was this close to agreeing only to re-fueling and topping off washer fluid as approved Natasha-Car-Maintenance-Activities.

And that is why you can suck it. For making me doubt my abilities and for forcing me to stay out in the cold.

I'll be back for my refund shortly.



Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Wildcard Weekend

I Lu-Huv football. And I love the playoff weekends because it's over 12 hours of coverage and well matched (for the most part) games. And for a girl without cable, (professional) football on a non-Sunday is a one time a year occurrence.

Not all my teams won, in fact... I think that Philadelphia was the only team I was "rooting" for that won, but that's ok. I've long ago come to terms with being unable to pick a winner. And maybe it doesn't help that I root for (or against) teams for reasons that only make sense to me.

For example

The Cardinals won over the Falcons. I wanted the Falcons to win because their quarter back, Matt Ryan, is HOT. Not exactly a science, but that is how I roll.

I wanted the Colts over the Chargers for a 2 reasons. #1 is that I hate the Chargers (their lone saving grace is Philip River's ass - Pop, Lock and Drop it Phil!) and #2 was I want SO BADLY for a Manning vs Manning superbowl. How cute would that be?

Dolphins versus Ravens. Sad. I SO wanted the Dolphins to be the comeback story of the century. I also don't like Ray Lewis. He's a meanie head.

That leaves us with the Eagles winning over the Vikings. The Vikings remind me of those really obnoxious Capital 1 commercials, so, yeah, no. I will not root for you. Plus, Jared Allen needs to calm the EFF down and be a better sportmans on the field. How many roughing the passer penalties does this guy have anyway?

1-3 starts are rough, but I think I'll be OK.

This weekend. ::sigh:: Yay. The first and second seeds will be at it and man, there should be some GREAT football to be had. I'll go ahead with my "picks."

Ravens vs Titans (3:30 Saturday on CBS)
Don't care. So, Go Titans.

Cardinals vs Panthers (7pm Saturday on FOX)
Out of loyalty to my sister, who lives in North Carolina, I'll go Panthers on this one. Besides, I didn't want the Cardinals to advance this far, so they can suck it for sending Matt Ryan home.

Eagles vs Giants (Noon, Sunday on FOX)
Go GIANTS! As alluded to above, I have soft spots for the Manning brothers. Eli, you might not have great command of the English language but you are an amazing quarterback. Plus, who need Plexico? You don't.

Chargers vs Steelers (3:45 Sunday on CBS)
Phillip Rivers is hotter than Ben Roesthlisburger. That isn't my pick, just an observation. If Big Ben is 100% I am leaning towards the Steelers, but the Chargers have nothing to lose, so, they'll play a good game.

I included the times of the games to let you guys know what I'll be doing those days at those times. Hopefully this will eliminate any conflict of schedules in case anyone wants to hang out. Megan, this is for your benefit especially so you can set up a date with you-know-who. Seriously. I mean, I truly only care about the Sunday games, so, if need be I'll be 100% available if a certain someone wanted to meet up with me.... say.... on Saturday night around 8?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Stop the mother-effing Presses

The highly anticipated Gaslight Grill commercial has dropped. There I am in all my big hair glory. If you put your nose up to the screen and squint you can sorta make out my facial features. Feel free to bask in my stardom.

I am.