Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's a Car!

About 4 years ago I rear-ended a Toyota Sienna and totaled my car. I wish I could say that there were circumstances beyond my control that caused the accident but the truth of the matter was that I had looked over my shoulder to change lanes and by the time I looked back the car in front of me had stopped. There wasn't enough pavement for me to brake, though I did try, and I crashed into the mini van.

This has been my only accident (knock on wood) if we don't count all the "learning bumps" I had in The Van. Y'know... like the time you learn how close you can get to the gas pump without rubbing/scrapping up against the yellow cement pillar (the one that protects the ACTUAL pump). Or when you learn that when backing out of a long driveway with a chain link fence on one side you should make sure your side view mirror doesn't snag the fence and pull part of it with you. OR the time you learn that you shouldn't drive on a flat tire.... even if you ARE driving to the tire store... Thankfully I learned all these lessons early.

Anyhoozle, so I'm sitting in my smashed Dodge Neon with tears streaming down my face. This car had been a high school graduation gift and soon I would have to face the reality of a car payment. Later that day, after looking at too many mid-size sedans to count, I was signing the paper work for my new (to me) car. The following day I set up an automatic payment plan through my bank on the 16th of every month for $298.97.

Well cats and kitten... I HAVE PAID OFF MY CAR! As of two week ago I sent in the balance of the loan and am no longer beholden to The Bank. While my peers and contemporaries buy houses, get married and have kids I can prove that I am KIND OF an adult as I proudly show off my car title.

Natasha - you're almost 30, but you're still renting?!?!
That's OK. I own my car.

Natasha - you haven't been in a serious romantic relationship since 2007?!?!

Natasha - tick tock, your eggs aren't getting any younger.
Go fuck yourself.

A co-worker suggested that I get my car waxed and detailed in celebration of this momentous occasion and I dare say that it's a grand idea. I'm also thinking about registering for some car accessories and ask friends and family to buy me gifts since a baby shower isn't in my future.

"Congratulations! It's a Car!" And a bobble head jesus for my dash WILL be on the registry, have no doubt about it.

Friday, March 25, 2011


I thought the guy at the gym was smiling at me, so I smiled back. But I think he was just adjusting his mouth piece. Who wear a mouth piece at the gym where your opponent is the punching bag? Am I missing something?

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Rind a Ding

The rings I wore today hail from Iran.

This reminded me of a story. Once upon a time (I was about 12 or 13) I was given a different ring. It was a simple gold band that had a small emerald. A perfect gift befitting a young Iranian Princess from some second or third cousin. Well, almost perfect. The band was a smidge too small for all of my fingers and would only, loosely, fit on my pinkie. I sported that precious stone just like mob boss would. My sister had a similar ring, a different color of stone I believe, and hers daintily displayed on her delicate hand.

One Spring weekend my family, along with friends and family, went on a picnic at a local park. All the other families were Iranian and I wanted to wear my fancy pants ring and show off my wears. PINKIES UP.

"NehGaw Anghostareh Man!" I said! Look at my Ring! (Ok, I didn't actually say it in Farsi at the time, but I am trying to learn to speak the language and I just realized I knew all the words and could fit it into the story...) Everyone looked, everyone ahhhed and then everyone went about their business of having fun on the picnic. Exactly how I expected them to react.

Later in the day, after eating, drinking, playing, eating, running around, eating, drinking and eating some more I have to go the the bathroom. The only facilities near by are outhouses. The most vile or vile, but better than wetting yourself. I took a deep breath and walked into the dark stank stall.

I was done with my business and grabbing the TP. With the paper in my hand, I begin the motion of wiping. Immediately following that fateful motion I heard a dim "clink" and a soggy "thud." Horrified at the thought of what could have possible just occurred I keep my hand where it is. I wiggle my pinkie. It's empty.

I pull my hand out and verify with my own eyes. Sure enough, there is NO ring on my finger. A pulse of loss and sadness go through me and only briefly do I entertain the idea of attempting to retrieve it. My Pretty Pretty Pudgy Persian Princess ring was lost to the shitter or Shawnee Mission Park.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Goodbye Winter! Hello Spring!!!

Let me start by wishing everyone a very happy and healthy new year! Or, in Farsi... Aide shomah Mobarak! (and no, I'm not referencing the recently ousted Egyptian president Hosi Mubarak...)

Secondly let me say that I may need to adjust my promise for Lent to be no TV...during the week. And that Movies are ok and so are TV shows on a DVD.

And third!!! Since today is the Iranian New Year that means that today is the first day of spring! Hallelujah Allah! Spring has Sprung. I've been waiting all winter for this day and I'm so happy it's finally here! The days have been lovely recently and we're all beginning to emerge from our caves. Thrusday, St. Patrick's Day, was BEAUTIFUL and I met up with Sabrina & Lee in Westport to celebrate my Irish Heritage.

Up until Friday I had it on good authority (my mom) that my siblings and I were either 1/64th or 1/128th Irish (she never was sure which). This obviously obligates me to drink green beer and green flavored jello shots come St. Patty's day. On Friday my Maternal Aunt messaged me saying that my mom's mistaken; our lineage is actually Scottish.


Oh well. I'll still celebrate St. Patrick's Day. The moral of this story? I don't give a sh!t that you're not Iranian (extra cool points if you are).... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011


Tonight marks the beginning of Norooz (Iranian New Year) which you do, naturally, by jumping over a fire. I'm stuffed full of Iranian desserts (mmmmmmbaklava) and smell like camp fire. I also learned a naughty word tonight in Farsi which sounds a lot like "cous cous" but smells ENTIRELY different.

But before I did all that I went and bought my aunt flowers for her birthday. I was standing in line behind an older man who was buying 20 pounds of assorted meats, several bags of carrots and 4 heads of cabbage. I was trying to not look at the raw, red meat (or imagine what kind of damage that amount of cabbage could cause) when I saw a flash of green by the man's foot. He had dropped a few folded bills.

Daddy Warbucks hadn't noticed that he dropped the cash, I went to pick them up I noticed that all three were HUNDIES!!! Holy shit. $300. THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS. WHY did he have to be standing right there??? I handed him the bills and he was beside himself.

He, obviously, didn't realize that he dropped the dough and thanked me again and again. When he was done checking out he shoved $5 in my hand and wouldn't let me NOT take it, though I told him it was "absolutely unnecessary."

So I'm five bucks richer now. Thanks Old Guy from the grocery store!!! This SO kicks the Aldi's shopping carts ass.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

March Sadness

Spring keeps teasing me. It was a beautiful 70 degree day on Friday without a cloud in the sky and the air smelled of sun. This morning, not ONLY did the Temptress take an hour for her "savings," but she pulled woolen clouds over the sun and dropped the temperature to a chilly 43.

It was the kind of day where you just want to stay in bed.

But some of us were more productive than others today.

Sunday chores have been completed with no help from THIS GUY ^^^

One more week till Spring!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Butt Prints

This made me laugh. And I hope it does for you as well because it's all I've got for you people.


ps. I gave up TV for Lent. No, I'm not catholic... so, there really isn't a whole lot of draw for me to see this through, but then again I rarely let religion stop me from doing what I want and if I want to finish the last disc of Project Runway Season 7 that arrived in the mail today then DAMMIT I WILL. Maybe. I would feel guilty about it. Maybe I am part catholic.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Ms. Goodcents

I've never passed a coin on the sidewalk and NOT picked it up. Regardless of the denomination - it's FOUND money. I wouldn't say that I constantly scan the ground for dropped change, but I certainly keep an eye out for it. Pennies are my most common find, but you can bet your sweet money penny that I'll pick it up and deposit it in my coin bank. Finding a nickle or a dime can brighten up my entire day and don't even get me started on how awesome finding a quarter is!!!

The time in the dirty snow
Jennie and I walked across the street to QuickTrip and there, in a puddle of mostly melted, dirty, slushy snow was a penny!

The time is wasn't
It was really just a flattened bottle cap.

The time outside of work
A dime, a nickle and two pennies! Cha-ching!

The time in Amanda's car
I found a few pennies on her seat and she said "keep 'em, I don't use pennies" and keep them I did.

The time it was stuck to the sidewalk
I found a quarter outside of my apartment building a few summers ago and it was IN the cement. I chiseled that sonofabitch out of the concrete with my metal nail file. There is still a hunk of cement on it... so... using it in a vending machine or for laundry is out of the question;

and quite honestly, I'm not sure if it's acceptable as currency.

The time at the vending machine
Someone didn't take all their change. Finders Keepers.

The OTHER time it wasn't
Effing bottle caps.

The time at the gym
A shiny dime right by my eliptical!

And the most recent time...

The time in the Aldi's parking lot
Someone had left a shopping cart in the parking lot, which meant they forfeited their quarter deposit! SWOOPS!!!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Natasha Max

If you're like me, then when you get a new pair of gym shoes you also get a, potentially dangerous, sense of "super workout immortality" when you first break them in. Somehow, to me, new kicks means that I can run harder, faster, longer than ever before. I can double my pull-ups, push-ups, squats and lunges. I even agreed to do another half marathon with Amy.

With my new Nike Air Max trainers I was Queen of the gym, supreme leader of the treadmill and the Benevolent overlord of the dumb bells.

Until the very next morning when I woke up sore ALL over with no less than 2 pulled muscles. And shin splints. And shin splints on top of my shin splints. Damn you new shoes for making me feel invincible and "in shape." Never once did my feet hurt! I thought that running that extra mile wouldn't be no big thang.

I find some small consolation in the fact I got the sneakers for over $90 off the original price. TAKE THAT RETAIL. Now pardon me while I go ice and wrap my legs.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Model Behavior

Obviously you can see from the flashback pic below, my propensity to work it in front of the camera has been there since the very beginning. It was there before my hair was better than yours. It was there before my hair resembled something tame and "touchable," even. There has always been something about modeling that was fun to me. Striking a pose was just another strange and eccentric part of me.

More recently I've began to weasel myself into the model business. Somehow I convinced Sabrina to let me be her model (actually, she says that no one else is volunteering) and we had a great time on our second outing together. The assignment had something to do with overhangs, or shadows or over cast or aperture. One of those. This is one of my favorites.

More recently I was scouted out by a local designer and she asked me to be a model for her IN A MOTHER FVCKING FASHION SHOW. I teeter between whether the idea is more awesome or more awesomER. I didn't hesitate when she asked me but I did pause when she told me I'd have to go to the Casting Call.

ME. Me who doesn't even come close to being a model type at all.... and forget the "not a size zero" thing for a second... I barley come in at 5 foot 5 inches... went to a casting call. YES... it was as funny as I'm sure you're imagining it right now. I was slightly above "mother effing clueless" about the whole thing. I have seen enough of America's Next Top Model to wear my highest heels and bring a head shot.

My second walk was MUCH better than my first and by the time the whole thing was over I didn't know whether to race home to binge on my Ben & Jerry's ice cream or to try to force-vomit the last 3 days worth of meals out. If I thought the Skinny Bitch back in January was a self-image killer... I don't know what made me think that my ego would survive a fashion cattle call in one piece.

All that doesn't matter because The Designer wants more real bodies in her show and she likes my look. The show is Friday the 25th... just 3 weeks away! Multiple designers will be showcased there and it's free.. so... please come out and support local fashion... and yours truly!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

It's Hammer Time

For all the non-believers out there...

Can't touch this, bitches.