Tuesday, July 22, 2008

My Worst Nightmare

I've mentioned it before, I'll mention it again. I HATE FISH. Dear God in Heaven, they are vile creatures. My morning coffee was ruined when this story came on the air.

People are letting the aquatic devil-vermin EAT the dead skin cells off of their feet in order to get a pedicure.

Don't people realize that this is just Phase 1 for the fish? It's starts our simple enough... just use them to clean our feet... a crap job for these carps. Did they fail to connect eating with getting bigger? Soon these pedicure giving Pisces will grow into full blown human-eating machines! And then Phase 2 begins: take over humanity as we know it.

It will start simple, some soccer mom in a nail salon will lose a toe, then, innocently enough, a too-tan teenager will lose a foot right before prom and then before you know it: MASS HYSTERIA as the national guard is called in to control the man eating carp.

But it will be all our fault, you see, for we gave them their taste for human flesh.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Boatin' on Lake 'Boji

I've never been on a speed boat. I was on a pontoon boat a few times as a little kid and I, once, tried a jet ski but refused to go fast and then got lost on the lake trying to find my way back. Marry that experience with my fear and loathing of fish and lakes, and you'd understand why I had to pretend to be excited when Liz wanted to spend the day, Friday - Independence Day, out on the boat. In the middle of the lake, no less. I was perfectly content with staying on dry land, as far away from the lake water and the fish it harbors.

There were 8 of us and after we all climbed in and loaded up the beer, I was a little distraught to find that there were no safety belts. Pulling out of the dock and slowly making our way passed the buoys was exactly what I expected. Then we hit the open water. If I hadn't had gone to the bathroom RIGHT before we left, I'm sure I would have pissed myself. The speed, the wind, the steering of the boat... all were way outside my comfort level. I didn't want to make my general pussiness apparent to the Boji Family, so I decided that I'd handle the situation better if I got my drink on.

Whether it was the beer or just me learning to not be a scardy cat, I relaxed eventually and really enjoyed the afternoon! After a few hours, we met up with about 6 or 7 other Boji Family members (and assorted friends), tied our boats together and just partied in the middle of the lake. I was almost positive that the group wasn't going to head to shore just to let me use the bathroom, so I had to "go swimming" if I wanted any sort of relief.

Let me say this one more time. I EFFING HATE LAKE WATER AND EVERYTHING IN IT. But, alas, I had no choice. Figuring that that the AMOUNT of beer that put me into this situation would actually impair my aim, a Gatorade bottle was out of the question.

So I manned up and climbed into the lake. It took me about 20 twenty minutes to do it since it the water was kinda cold, I was nervous and it was hard to relax when every single muscle in my body was clenched as I was ready to attack anything and everything that came within a 2 feet radius of me. And Liz, you better be sleeping with one eye open! It was NOT cool when you threw that seaweed (lakeweed?) at me. I advised others to stay away from me. For their own safety. Also because they were swimming for the same reason, and I didn't need that.

But I am a champion, I got the job done and was dragged back into the boat. Party on.

Our day on the lake was nothing short of spectacular. Plus, there is nothing quite like being drunk on a boat, getting off the boat, back onto dry land and have it still feel, under you, that you're still on the boat.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Brand Whore

Within an hour of getting into town, Liz and I were carted off to a bonfire to meet up with a gaggle of her cousins. Both of us were greeted with big hugs and cold beers. After only a few minutes I had learned everyones name and had argued that Nate and Ryan look more like brothers rather than identical twins.

The bonfire was your average bonfire, I suppose. Someone threw fireworks into the fire while everyone was sitting around it, someone else attempted to break a 50lb log with their head and the twins argued over who got to brand who with the red-hot rebarb that was in the fire.
I'm not 100% positive how it exactly went down, but I do know Nate dropped his pants and let his twin, Ryan, brand his ass. I looked over just in time to see contact made and hear flesh sizzle right before Nate cried out and crumbled to his knees. Naturally, after Nate could stand, a back-and-forth happened between them and HOW Ryan was suppose to administer the brand. Nate wanted just the tip, the point, a small dot to make contact with his skin... while what really happened is that Ryan laid a good 10 inches of the metal width wise across his butt. So while Nate was expecting something like this....
His back end actually looks like this...
Nate would spend the rest of the weekend showing this off, not to garnish sympathy votes, but more just to show it off. Since stunts like this one are not uncommon between them, I asked the twins how they managed to not kill each other and/or themselves. Neither could answer. Then Nate threw a firework at Ryan.

Back to the bonfire.

Drinking and general merriment ensued. I outlasted Liz's younger brother, Wes, and I felt pretty awesome about that. And shortly after Wes passed out, we all moved to Ryan's house where the drinking continued. Which probably caused the wrestling tournament to start. I cheered them on and tried to stay out of the way when they knocked over the huge tower of glass bottles. It was right at about this time, Liz and went to swing on the hammock.

When the sun started coming up, I decided that it was time to sleep and that I wanted to sleep in the bed. Since I am the type of girl that will use any and all powers I have to secure a bed to sleep in, I told Nate to show me to his bed. And he did. And we didn't. You could ALMOST say that this makes me some sort of whore and my payment is a bed to sleep in.... almost.

After a few hours sleep, I found Liz still in the hammock. I climbed in, surprisingly without tipping the whole thing over, and asked if I was an honorary member of the family now. She assured me that I was. Happy with my new Boji Family, we fell asleep.

When we made it back to Liz's dad's house, wearing the same clothes they had last seen us in the day before, I felt a little naughty and a lot awesome. We got ready for the afternoon BBQ and then made plans to take the boat out on the lake....

Monday, July 7, 2008

Tornado Warning

Above is a map demonstrating the delicate and slightly scary situation Liz and I found ourselves in on our way home yesterday.


After surviving the Boji Boys this weekend (stories to come...) I thought that I was invincible and that I can hang with the best of them. Mother Nature saw how cocky I was getting and she had to throw down an effing tornado in my lap to put me into Check.

Damn, Mother Nature. One minute you're sunny outside and I am thinking that I am going to make good time even after the Phone Fiasco* and the next minute it's pitch black outside and the menacing clouds have moved in. I barely had time to kick my windshield wipers into high gear to turn on my hazards... because I should probably turn them on since the car 10 feet in front of me has them on and I can hardly make the guy out.

After debating for a few minutes on the merits of which is safer (driving 5 MPH on a highway vs. pulling onto the shoulder of the highway), I pulled over. And stayed there for an hour. We were FINALLY able to find a radio station that was giving weather updates. Actually, they didn't really update us on anything; everything they were telling us we already knew! "It's raining really heavy outside. Stay inside! There are strong winds. Take cover immediately! The environment is ripe for tornadic activity. OH, THIS JUST IN... There has been a confirmed tornado touchdown in Stone State Park. More Weather after God Smack!!!"

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not God Smack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*We were 30 minutes out and I realized I had left my phone....

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Home Safe

I am just in from my completely awesome and poor-decision riddled weekend in Okoboji, Iowa. "Boji," as the locals call it, is the home town of Liz. She took me up there to meet her family and I am now an honorary member of the Boji Family.

There will be stories to come about all the Boji Boys, because well, if I didn't have really fantastic stories behind my 4 dozen bruises, 3 cuts, 1 burn and a head bump, you would think I didn't have any fun at all!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

An Iranian, a Jew & a French Canadian Walk Into a bar...

... and the Iranian got drunk.

Thank you "Steffell" for taking care of me and getting me home safely.

To Stef - I am now in love with Honky Tonk Dancing - or whatever the hell I was trying to do is called. Let's go again!

Everyone have a safe and fun (both CAN exist simultaneously) holiday weekend. I'm headed to Lake Okoboji in Iowa.