Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Orchestra Melt Down

The Orchestra has a concert this Thursday. You guys, it's an outdoors concert.

I am going to melt. It already doesn't take much movement on my end to sweat. But throw in a 100 plus degree heat index WHILE I play??? Last week I sat outside for 15 minutes and I sweat through my shirt. Granted, I was sitting in direct sunlight and my shirt was thin BUT if that was just SITTING for 15 minutes I'm terrified to see what happens.

My violin seriously runs the risk of being water damaged.

Hopefully I don't make this sound. Again.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Don't eat at Applebee's

I make it a rule to not eat at chain restaurants. It probably started sometime after high school. Back then the coolest thing to do on the weekends and THE place to be seen was our neighborhood Applebee's. During college I frequented Chili's quite often. In no way had I escaped the conformity of my high school years. The two eateries have, in essence, the SAME menu, decor personality and even the same effing apostrophe in their name. The only fundamental difference between the two is the soda. Diet Pepsi or Diet Coke.

The only thing to do was to ban the entire lot of 'em.

Chili's: Applebee's with Coke.

The Olive Garden: Applebee's with a bad Italian accent.

On the Border: Applebee's with a sombrero and a side of Guacamole.

Red Robin: Car Hop Applebee's.

Red Lobster: Applebee's by the Sea.

IHOP: Applebee's for breakfast.

54th Street Bar & Grill: Applebee's Single White Female

Joe's Crab Shack: Applebee's with a VD.

Outback Steakhouse: Applebee's on the barbie!

Now go eat something local, fresh and CREATIVE.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

They Say It's Your Birthday!

Today is the birthday of my sister from a different mister.

Happy Birthday Jennie.

Your 29th Year will be your best venture to date.

Crash & Burn.

Monday, July 18, 2011


About a month ago I went to the City Market for fresh produce. I got delicious fruits and vegetables and one GIANT nut.

Michael was strumming his guitar, working for tips between the vendors displays. I caught his eye and he started chatting with me. He asked if I would be willing to have a cup of coffee with him. Since he was a little artistic, friendly, not fugly and he assured me that he had a "real" job  I agreed.

Spoiler alert: we never went for coffee.

Not too long after that my text box became FULL with messages from him. I told him I kick it old-school and when a gentleman courts me, he should call when he wants to talk. So then my vmail inbox became full with messages. It wasn't long before I knew we weren't going to have the coffee.

Towards the end of what would be our last conversation, I was thinking of ways to break the news that coffee ain't gonna happen. So far in the conversation he had mentioned the scripture and the lord too many times to count and also gave me the run down on his views on abortion. I knew what I had to do.

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Michael, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?"

In a NUT-shell, Michael is very much against gay marriage as "those sinners are choosing a life style that is unholy and against God's way."

This didn't surprise me. I broke the news gently "listen, for that and many other reasons, I can tell you that I don't want to go out with you. I'm going with my intuition here." I didn't have the energy or the desire to explain to him that even if he was all for equal human rights I STILL wouldn't want to hang out with him.

Michael lost his shit. First he called me a hypocrite. Then he called me a sinner. Then he called me a racist. He called me some other things too but I stopped paying attention and just wanted to get off the phone.

"Listen, I'm sorry. Good luck with your guitar. Goodbye!"

2 seconds later he called me back. Twice. And then he texts me. ALL of these I ignore. A few days later he left a message that says "we got off on a wrong foot and I'd love to start over again" and offer a casual date to the Sade concert to help heal over any sore spots.

I ignored that too. Most of his calls and his texts (which either berated my character OR asked me to give "us" a second chance) have been treated the same way since our last conversation....... two weeks ago. The time I actually texted back I said "not interested, goodbye."

This morning a co-worker who knows part of the story asked me how my stalker was doing. "Great!" I said. "I haven't heard from him since Friday! (when he called me pre-surgery letting me know that if he died, he was thankful to have met me. Then a post-surgery message to let me know he was OK.)"

I spoke too soon. I checked my phone later in the morning. Fun with Crazy Michael was NOT over. I decided to share instead of deleting them this time. (fun note: I copied the texts verbatim)

i just need some answers if possible? I need to know wht i did to turn u off? Also were u ever interested or did u concock a argument to back out?

I won't text or call u again but this taught me never to compromise my values, wht u do marrying homosexuals is a abomination cause the same sex cant create life, repent from ur wickedness. The same homosexuals u stnad up for are pervented w unnatural sex acts and backbiting literally. Repent and stop or God will curse u for ur actions. Take care and seek wisdom out of the bible.
Part 2 u said u are iranian i know u didnt grow up those values, its a repressed action to get back at ur parents. They taught u better i know not to follow the western wickedness such as anything goes as long as it feels good. You have been corrupted and i know ur patriarchs would turn over in their graves if they knew u did such things. Be a woman and keep integrity and don't let babylon destroy ur soul. Salam.

I was nearly tempted to respond this time.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dad 2.0

My dad threw in the towel earlier this year and bought a personal computer. Not quite convinced of the trustworthiness of a laptop, he decided to purchase a desktop. It seemed more of a solid choice. Whether it was that way because the Desktop is heavier and that in and of itself is, literally, a more solid choice or rather, if it is because the Desktop has been around longer and therefore must have some sort of upstanding reputation and  honored history that the Laptop lacks, hence, it is a more reliable choice.

Either way, my dad was convicted in his belief/decision. I knew not to argue/reason with him and saw the miracle that had occurred: my dad stepped into the 21st century. For years he's had one foot through the door just by virtue of being alive in the developed world right now. It wasn't until recently that he's  been convinced that technology might not be such a fleeting and useless thing after all.

FOR EXAMPLE... About 2 years ago he asks me (and please don't forget to use your "old-Iranian man" accent when reading this) "Have you heard of dis 'google?'" and his eyes got all squinty and consternated when he said the g-word, as if he wasn't sure if he was saying it right and I would have NO idea of what he's talking about. "You just type in the word and it brings EVERYTHING back?!? Be-junah-to (Farsi for "I shit you not")" About 2-3 month later he tells me that he used the Internet to send my sister a floral arrangement. Up until this point any e-commerce my father had ever done had been done by proxy. My dad would ask someone else to book his airline tickets (the end of the travel-agent era was a real hard time for my him) or purchase any of his other online shopping - which was very little.  I was so proud of my father.

I went with him to help pick out his new monitor, keyboard & mouse. The "help" was me just reassuring him that all the equipment he needed was very standard and very basic. He didn't need anything fancy and I would just recommend two basic ones and then he'd pick out which one he wanted. The only thing that boggled his mind was the wireless mouse. "What do you mean dere is no cord?" I told him that wireless was a perfectly good option but if he wanted one with chord, that perfectly fine too.

After check out and loading up the car, I totally wiped which model of mouse my father had bought.

Until last week. "Tasha, honey, my mouse isn't verking!"

"Is there a light on? On the bottom?"

"I don't see any light."

He had called on a random week night, I would need to trouble shoot remotely. "Ok, check if it's plugged in. Follow the chord back to the computer and unplug and replug it."

"DERE IS NO CHORD! I bought de vireless mouse!" (Are you guys still using your old Iranian-man accent???)

"Oh, well in that case, just change the batteries."

That was it. Then he called me his genius daughter and asked if I was coming for dinner on Sunday.

Next I am going to get my mom to use an ATM.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Cabbage Fest 2011

On my last trip to the Farmers Market, I bought a big head of cabbage. I didn't know at the time that I getting myself into a week's worth of cabbage, and maybe if I had I would have, scared by the idea, put it back, but since I was ignorant - I bought it.

Yesterday I searched for "cabbage" on my favorite recipe spot and found one that I wanted to try. 


It was super easy and COOL. Perfect for a hot evening's dinner. I didn't add the coconut flakes (allergic unfortunately because I love me some macaroons and almond joys) and I generously doubled the amount of the spices. Afterwards I decided to add chopped almonds and carrots. Good Call if I do say so myself.

But I still had half of the head left.

Second to BBQ, I miss Chinese food since becoming vegetarian. Sure there are a handful of dishes that I can eat, but.. it isn't the same. So, tonight's dinner, was a stir fry. It is definitely my favorite between the two (not to discount the Raw Salad at all!)


I made it exactly as directed (I went with Balsamic Vinegar, for the record). For all my Meaties out there, adding chicken or shrimp would be easy.

And you know what you guys.... I still have about a fourth of that GIGANTIC cabbage left. It didn't seem THAT big when I bought it. And it isn't like I made one serving of each recipe. I've got leftovers for DAYS.

With all this cabbage intake - I'm a little scared for what I'm in store for over the next few days.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

We went to the zoo

My sister and her family came into town last week. It was the Nef's first birthday and it was going to be celebrated Big-Fat-Iranian style. The day after the party, a dozen of us planned to go to the zoo.

I love the zoo.

But I knew the whole fiasco was doomed before it started so I did the only thing I could do: herd.

I knew it was going to be an unorganized cluster fuck of people, with members of the group ranging from 1 year to 69 and from with multiple languages being spoken (and not everyone knows both), I knew my job was to keep the pack of people moving. Maybe not "together" but I just had to make sure that the 11 other members of my family just kept making progress towards the end of the Africa exhibit.

Oh and it was hot. We got an early enough start that it wasn't gross the whole time, but NO ONE was fresh as daisy by the time we ended our 3 hour adventure. Towards the end, I Irealized I could re-produce the "honk" of the geese with a startling accuracy. I began talking back to a really big one and before I knew it a small gaggle began to waddle towards me with a curious-goose expression. Luckily I was able to move the humans on before I found out if I was threatening or flirting with the flock.

But we all made it out alive.

But maybe not in the best health. Later that night I began to get the tell-tale signs of a pretty nasty cold. I'm not positive, but my immediate guilt-dagger was shot at my just turned a YEAR old nephew. I was certain my cold-of-doom was brought on by the runny nose he had been sportin all weekend.

This is my first full day of feeling human again. Thanks to a lot of napping, juice and a z-pak, I can be upright and mobile. Much more dreaded than the bird-flu or the west nile virus, I should have taken precautions not to catch the Derka-Derka flu on my family outing.