Gonna Make You Sweat!

There are times in one's life when you achieve such quiet reflection over who you are as a person and you are able to finally put everything together about why you're here, who you are supposed to be and what is important in this life.

And then your tits fart.

That's right boys and girls, Friday night I went to Hot Yoga. I'll get to the flatuclating breasts in a moment, but for those of you who are not aware, Hot Yoga is 90 minutes of yoga done in a room that is kept at a balmy 105 degrees. Sticking me in a room that is that hot COUPLED with an intense work out was a definite lack of judgment on my part. I've done Regular Room Temperature Yoga before and should have realized that there were going to holds and grabs and extensions that even with dry skin, are difficult for me to hold. To paint an accurate picture of what Friday looked like, I am going to fall back on a timeless analogy:

It was like wrestling an effing greased pig.

And losing.

The instructor often, mockingly, instructed us to wipe off our hands to dry them. Unless she meant I was welcome to wipe off on her pant leg, I wasn't sure what dry surface area she was talking about. Every square inch of me was covered in sweat. YES, even there. And let me tell you, nothing feels more bizarre. Who knew you could sweat IN your ears.

And now back to why you’re really reading. So, I’d say we were about half way through and the instructor had guided us into a pose that left us bent at the knees and the instructor wanted us to put our chin into our chest and move as close to our knees as possible. I’m holding this position, KNOWING that I can reach nirvana. I envision myself reaching this pose, knowing that my spine will allow me to move into position. I take a deep breath and push my chin towards my chest.

The effect was nothing less than performing a “razzberry” on a toddler’s stomach. The angle of my chin and the force behind it hit at the right angle, causing a loud “ripping” sound. At the same time, the (substantial amount of) liquid on both surface areas were hit with this vibration, causing a “shower” of sorts to rain onto my face.

Needless to say, I lost my focus.

Oh well, there is always the next life to achieve Nirvana… who else can say they made their chest cut the cheese?