Friday, February 29, 2008

Do Not Want

Things I didn't want to see: a list.

1. A shirt with "Eligible Receiver" patched on it. On a dude. Thank you for letting me know you're ready, willing and able to take it up the butt.

2. The lady picking her nose on her way to work. I really hope she knows that her windows aren't tinted.

3. A fat chick "hip/ass bumping" the vending machine to get her chips. The joke is too easy on this one...

Unfortunately, this list will keep growing. Please add to it if you feel the need....

Friday, February 22, 2008

Lyons Lessons Learned

I've made it home safe and sound. Athena and I had a blast in Colorado. And we learned a few things too. We learned that:

If you...


If you eat a pizzetti named the same as you...

you'll become sick ...

And, if you come across a moose in the middle of the road...

the only thing to do is ...

Take these lessons to heart dear reader, for my knuckle is still sore.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

It's my potty and I'll flush when I want to

Auto flush. A rant.

My new place of employment has auto-flush toilets. And auto-dispense soap, but that is another post for another day. After almost 5 months, the auto flush still kinda freaks me out. I don't want to open the stall door without it flushing, so I stand in the stall freaking out because I feel trapped. "FLUSH already so I can leave!!!" is what I'm telepathically telling the toilet; then I turn around to find "the button" and then all of a sudden "FLUSH!!!!" the toilet flushes and scares the crap out of me (even though, since I had just gone to the bathroom, it is already out of me...).

But, it's been 5 month and I've been able to establish a working routine to use the restroom and not have it freak me out as much. UNTIL TODAY! Just when I've finally gotten comfortable with A) the idea of not flushing my own toilet and B) the timing & sensor activation of the toilet, it goes and starts acting up. On two (2) different occasions today the toilet has auto-flushed.................WHILE I AM STILL ON IT! Not cool, Toilet, not cool.

The first time it happened I let it slide. I thought maybe I had adjusted to an awkward position and the toilet thought that it was Go-Time and flushed. I mean, we all get a little trigger happy once in a while. But then during my second trip it auto flushed, with me still a-sittin'.... twice! For those of you keeping track, that is a total of three (3) auto-flushes while I am still "answering the call of nature."

All I am going to say, Toilet, is that you'd better start behaving otherwise me and the facilities manager are gonna have some words together. I mean, I thought we had a relationship... The 4th stall on the right. I always use you. You know that. You're not mad at me, are you? I mean, I know I had some cabbage earlier in the week and that was really unfortunate for you, but we're past that now. How about I promise to only eat cabbage on the weekends from now on and not bring that kinda of behavior to work? Deal? Great! Now, If you could do me a favor and discretely tell the soap dispenser that whenever he dispenses his creamy, white, liquid soap into my hands... I have x-rated thoughts and I'm sure I'm not the only one. C'mon, this is a family owned business.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

We'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain!

This week I am getting ready for my long weekend getaway in Colorado. So, naturally, this means that I am doing as little work possible. Uh, I mean... that... I am unable to get as much work done as I would like. Yeah... that's it!

My awesome friend, Athena, and I are making the trek to Lyons Colorado to stay in a quaint little cabin for 4 days and 3 nights. And while we may be in one of the most serene settings that there is, debauchery will be had. And to make sure all our bases (asses) are covered and in the event that I am unable to defend myself when (if) we come (make it) back, there are a few things (accusations) that need to be cleared up... ahead of time.

1. That Park ranger was asking for it.

2. I was fairly certain that along with the higher altitude, my alcohol tolerance would have increased. So, none of "the incident" is really my fault.

3. But it's always happy hour in the Mountain Time Zone.

4. Now I know that Rocky Mountain National Park doesn't allow that.

5. Yes, those outfits were my idea.

When we get back, I think everyone will be surprised with my sence of clairvoyance.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Play by Uneventful Play

The verdict is in; the "Fresca" menu at Taco Bell isn't bad! Thank you Taco Bell for giving us dieters options in this Fast Food Nation. Though, if there is a way for you to make your cheesy, crunchy, double stuffed, supreme chalupa under 5gs of fat and under 150 calories, I'll owe you one.

Liz, in an attempt to take my life, tried to drive off when I wasn't in the car all the way. She says she's "Sorry" and that "She didn't mean to" but I see through her phony apologies. I know I bought the last pair of those cute tennis shoes at Target in your size, but, damn, I said you could borrow them!

Damn. Maybe next year, Tom.

Oh, and then there was the weird "Bike Patrol" cop in line right behind me at the Grocery store. I guess he needed to step out of line, so he asked me to "watch his basket and make sure no one steals anything." Um, OK dude. I'm sure someone is just aching to rummage through your basket to get your unpaid merchandise. I'll guard your 5 bottles of BBQ sauce with my life. Seriously, 5 bottles of BBQ sauce!

I cooked last night. I was being coached and supervised by a trained professional, but I did the majority of cooking all by myself. The onion was my first formidable opponent, and though slippery, I chopped my way to victory.
Natasha - 1; Cooking - 0

However, the onion is a tricky bastard and left "essence of onion" on the cutting board whereas rendering me blind and unable to complete chopping the garlic. Trained Professional had to take over.
Natasha - 1; Cooking - 1

Sautéing proved easy enough: the onion, garlic and "I cannot believe it's not butter" all surrendered to my will (and my medium low heat).
Natasha - 2; Cooking - 1

Adding the veggies (celery, broccoli, carrots, corn, snow peas) was a piece of cake, though with the increased volume of "stuff" in my skillet, I had to adjust my stirring style on the fly! You thought you got me, Cooking, but you're going to have to try harder!
Natasha - 3; Cooking - 1

Since I'm trying to graduate from "Microwaving" to "Cooking" I will not add on any points for successfully steaming the frozen bag of brown rice on HIGH for 3 1/2 to 4 1/2 minutes. But I did.
Natasha - 3; Cooking - 1

Trained Professional opened and drained the can of black beans, because, well, I couldn't figure out her can opener. Natasha - 3; Cooking - 1; Kitchen Utensils - 1

All in all the dinner was really good and I had a great time in the kitchen. Granted, I haven't graduated yet and Trained Professional shouldn't leave me unsupervised in there lest she be charged with negligent care to herself and others. I'm already thinking of what to make for dinner tonight! Probably something without beans because...

Natasha - 3; Cooking - 1; Kitchen Utensils - 1; Black Beans - 100

Friday, February 1, 2008

1 Is The Loneliest Number

Happy Friday, y'all!

Another week has come and gone, and thankfully I've lived to tell about it. To celebrate today, the 1st of February, I will give you my week recap... brought to you by the number 1. (BONUS GAME: Play this Jeopardy style by envisioning Alex Trebek saying "One" and you answering "What is the number of...." )

  • Times I had to use the treadmill instead of the Elliptical. Will these damn "new year resolutioners" never die? Quit already!!
  • Times I washed my hair. Seriously. But, my hair is STILL better than yours.
  • Chapters of "Jane Eyre" I read. I'm a slow reader.
  • Dollars I gave to support the "Spaghetti Lunch" at work next Friday. I'm not even going to eat it, but I couldn't not give. I'm the new girl. I've already been told I should bring in some personal pictures and such for my desk, to which I responded "How many pieces of flare would you like me to have?" They didn't get/appreciate that.
  • Times I overwrote the wrong database on the development server. Oops.
  • Pounds I lost.
  • Times I fell asleep in the bathroom stall at work. The times I attempted to fall asleep in the bathroom stall at work is a much higher number.
  • Number of co-workers I blessed (after sneezing) via IM.
  • Persons added to my & Athena's Colorado Getaway.
  • Number of baby girls Shannan found out she will be having.
  • Number of managers that stayed home yesterday to deal with his "squirrel infestation" in his attic.
  • Number of light bulbs I replaced in my bathroom.

Sorry - none of you are eligible for Final Jeopardy. Hopefully next week you'll do better. Have a great weekend everyone, except if you're rooting for New York.

P.S. GO PATS!!!!!