It's my potty and I'll flush when I want to

Auto flush. A rant.

My new place of employment has auto-flush toilets. And auto-dispense soap, but that is another post for another day. After almost 5 months, the auto flush still kinda freaks me out. I don't want to open the stall door without it flushing, so I stand in the stall freaking out because I feel trapped. "FLUSH already so I can leave!!!" is what I'm telepathically telling the toilet; then I turn around to find "the button" and then all of a sudden "FLUSH!!!!" the toilet flushes and scares the crap out of me (even though, since I had just gone to the bathroom, it is already out of me...).

But, it's been 5 month and I've been able to establish a working routine to use the restroom and not have it freak me out as much. UNTIL TODAY! Just when I've finally gotten comfortable with A) the idea of not flushing my own toilet and B) the timing & sensor activation of the toilet, it goes and starts acting up. On two (2) different occasions today the toilet has auto-flushed.................WHILE I AM STILL ON IT! Not cool, Toilet, not cool.

The first time it happened I let it slide. I thought maybe I had adjusted to an awkward position and the toilet thought that it was Go-Time and flushed. I mean, we all get a little trigger happy once in a while. But then during my second trip it auto flushed, with me still a-sittin'.... twice! For those of you keeping track, that is a total of three (3) auto-flushes while I am still "answering the call of nature."

All I am going to say, Toilet, is that you'd better start behaving otherwise me and the facilities manager are gonna have some words together. I mean, I thought we had a relationship... The 4th stall on the right. I always use you. You know that. You're not mad at me, are you? I mean, I know I had some cabbage earlier in the week and that was really unfortunate for you, but we're past that now. How about I promise to only eat cabbage on the weekends from now on and not bring that kinda of behavior to work? Deal? Great! Now, If you could do me a favor and discretely tell the soap dispenser that whenever he dispenses his creamy, white, liquid soap into my hands... I have x-rated thoughts and I'm sure I'm not the only one. C'mon, this is a family owned business.