Tuesday, November 25, 2008


So, in a move that even surprised ME, I gave my number to a guy Saturday night. And, for the record, it was a guy I met at a (dirty dive) bar. I only frequent this cesspool of an establishment for their cheap, cheap beer and pool tables, not for their "selection" if you know what I mean.

And now I am obsessing about NOT obsessing about it.

If I am doing my math correctly, society predicts that I will be receiving a call today, right? That's three days? Or will it be tomorrow since it was technically 2AM Sunday morning? PLUS, he asked for my number... doesn't that kind of guarantee that he'll call. He would not have asked for my number otherwise, right?

Or what if he has diarrhea of the mouth and couldn't stop himself from asking for it. That happens, right? People ask for other people's number without having the intention of ever calling them? Or maybe I am getting that confused with all the times I have given a guy my number, and they never asked for it, and didn't call.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Professional Job Changer

For those who’ve cared to pay attention, I’ve been employed at 3 different companies over the past 13 months. The stress of changing jobs (not to mention, employers) has eclipsed itself and I have now fallen into a routine of change. I have become an expert at signing HR forms and New Employee Handbooks. I can give my two weeks notice in my sleep.

I have become so good at changing jobs that I didn’t have to even look for this latest one; it found me. It fell into my lap like a belated birthday present, all wrapped up with pretty paper and a bow.

Starting Monday I will become a member of the Marketing Department as a Proposal Writer I. Unfortunately, this isn’t a role for writing marriage proposals for guys lazy and/or unoriginal enough to come up with their own on-bended-knee speeches. But how cool would that be? Actually, does anyone know if this is a real job that I could pursue? I would be awesome at that. I mean, I have experienced 2 out of the 3 worst marriage proposals a girl could get, so I have a baseline of what NOT to say.

First there was the guy I said yes to. He didn’t even get down on one knee. And the ring didn’t fit. His speech was so uninspired that I wasn’t quite sure he was proposing until he shoved the ring in front of me and mumbled something about eternal happiness and fulfillment. And even then, I still wasn’t sure if he wanted to get married or if he was asking for my Cheesecake Factory leftovers.

Then there was the guy I said no to, but then again I had only known him for about 3 hours and I was fairly confident that his semi-tipsy proposals weren’t meant to be taken seriously.

And finally, there is the worst way to get proposed to: after getting knocked up the baby’s daddy says “So, I guess we should get married now.”

Let’s keep hope alive that I will NEVER be proposed to that way.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


There are many things that I aspire to be in this life. To name a few: Karen Walker, from the hit NBC show Will & Grace, French and a Cougar...

This past weekend I officially became a C.I.T. - a Cougar-In-Training.

I spent Friday night with my home girl, Athena. And yes, before you ask, she is Greek. To celebrate my birthday, we had a slumber party with all the proper trimmings: wine, olives and a late night fast food run. Athena has 2 sons along with 3 step children, 1 of which live with her. So, there were 3 teenage boys in the house along with us. And those 3 teenage boys had friends over. Now, I am not sure what sort of sick and twisted sense of humor the universe has but I would have given my left nut 10 years ago to be having a slumber party in a house that was concurrently being occupied by 8 boys in the age range of 16-18.

10 years ago.

So, image my surprise when Athena informed me that her step son had texted to her to let her know that his friend, “Trevor” (that’s his real name, I’m not sure why I put it in quotes…), wanted a little bit of alone time with Natasha.

You’ve got to be kidding me.

Now image my chagrin when, changing into my pajamas, “Trevor” decided to come into the room and lock the door behind him. When he threw out “Hey, what’s up?” (with my shirt half on… or half off… depending on how you look at it), I laughed in his face. Which I didn’t mean to on purpose, but it was really freaking funny. He immediately turned bright red and tried to play it off, but the little guy had lost all confidence at this point. He made another attempt to put a move on me, but, seeing how I was in no mood to give lessons or show anyone how anything was supposed to be done, I passed.

For however much I want to be a Cougar, there are reasons why women wait until both they and their prey are older. The obvious reason would be avoiding jail time, but there is also the experience level to take into consideration. It could be said that a general rule of thumb is that if the man-child still believes that Applebee’s (or Chili’s, On The Border, The Olive Garden…) is an acceptable date, then expect the same amount of originality in bed directly related to the originality of the restaurant. And while it isn’t guaranteed that you can avoid this with an older audience, your risk does go down.

In addition to “letting the wine age,” so to speak, being a Cougar is something that is to be learnt; a skill to master over time. There is a certain way you lure in the target, a delicate art to be used when trapping, a subtle seduction that I have yet to master. I mean, come on guys, I have no game.

Hopefully in other 10 years I will have mastered the dance.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

How to Flirt (if you don't want a date)

Jennie wants to investigate the world that is online dating. She refused to go into the abyss alone, so she asked if I’d, too, create a profile and we could “online double date.” Seeing how I am no e-dating virgin, it didn’t phase me to agree and set a time next week to get together and create our advertisements. I am, 99%, doing this just for her.

The other 1% is that damn “eternal hope” that will never die. I guess that I could be grateful for the fact that I am still hopeful and haven’t completely turned into a mean old spinster.

Regardless, since I am bothering to even go through with this, I might as well put a modicum of effort into it. Sigh. So, I read Expert Flirting Tips from MSN.com. After reading the list, the hope-o-meter is still at 1 percent….. only because I can’t do fractions.

10. Flirting is an attitude.
J-dawg nicknamed me “D-Rock-a-tude,” so, I have this one in the bag.

9. Start a conversation. The best opening line is saying hello.
“HI!” That’s all they’re giving me?

8. Have fun. Be playful, light-hearted and spontaneous. Show your vulnerability.
By curling up into the fetal position?

7. Use props.
PROPS?!?! Does my prosthetic arm qualify as a prop?

6. Be the host.
You are the host and he is the parasite.

5. Make the first. Say hello.
Again, all you’re giving me is “HI.” Next are you going to tell me to start talking about the weather?

4. Listen.
What did you say?

3. Eye contact.
I’m up here buddy.

2. Compliment your flirting partner.
“I like your shoes. Wanna Fuck?” doesn’t work. Allegedly.

1. Smile.
He’s already got the tape rolling….

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Guest of Honor

::laugh:: I almost said that with a straight face.

Anyway, my friend Shannon has a few blogs, one of them about losing weight and being (getting) in shape. I invited myself to guest blog for him, to which he graciously accepted.

Check both of us out.


Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm still here!

Wow. Being sick sucks. Out of the past 9 days, I was only “un-ill” for 1.5 of them. BLAH. I am still rocking the sexy phlegm, but besides that I am feeling loads better.

We have some catching up to do.

First. Halloween was AWESOME. Or at least the part I got to experience before I fell victim to illness #1 was awesome. Liz and I rocked the Alice and Wonderland theme sans an Alice. I present to you The Mad Hatter and The Cheshire Cat.

Second. Good the fuck bye Sarah Palin.

Third. My Birthday was really sad you guys. I was too sick and void of energy to do anything besides watch Jane Austen movies and learn to crochet (I made a scarf!).

Fourth. How cool is my family?

In case you can't make out the text, the gist is that the Derka-Derka clan is going "Organic" this Christmas... meaning only homemade gifts. This means that everyone will be getting macaroni art from Daniel.

Sunday, November 9, 2008


So this is what the other side of 25 looks like?

Here is to a fabulous 26th year. I am sure that if it wasn't for the 7th day in a row of my immune system utterly failing me, I would have rang it in in fashion.

Happy Birthday Me!

ps - The cold does seem to be letting up, but I will still welcome offers for favors and special errands to be ran on my behalf.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

They Voted

A small gang of young adults descended from their brownstone walk ups barely awake yet fully alive with civic duty and pride. They started toward their polling station. The murky morning sky was still a-twinkle with stars, it seemed that they too wanted to be around for this historic day. The air was brisk, cold, promising.

The boy lamented that his face missed his beard and the warmth it provided while one of the girls made sure everyone had their ID and coffee. They all recounted past elections and past voting days. Where were they at? How early did they get up? Was their sleep, the night prior, just as restless?

The unspoken hope shared between them was that one day they'd be able to tell this story as "the day I voted for President Barack Obama." They absorbed the details and tried to commit them to memory. She'll remember the leaves carpeting the sidewalk, the nostalgic wrestling of the yellow, orange and red fodder. He'll remember the deserted streets and how he defiantly walked down the middle of them. She'll remember that someone giggled as she warned to watch out for dog poop.

They'll all remember descending upon the church, their local polling station. From the still of the early morning emerged a surreal hub of activity. Dozens and dozens of people flocking from all directions, eager to get in line. Eager to vote. Making their way to the back of the church, the four-some realize that the line is already winding round and a round.

Their time, their early morning, their comfy warm beds are sacrifices that don't even compare to those already given for their right to be standing, waiting, in this line. The excitment builds.

The doors open, the line slowly moves. There are mistakes...But they voted. They voted for change, for hope.... for themselves.

They voted.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Breaking News

Fatties Fornicate Frequently!


For those of your too lazy to click on the link...

Overweight women are more likely to have had sex with a man, according to a study reported in the Telegraph. The study by the University of Hawaii surveyed 7,000 women ages 15 to 44. Ninety-two percent of those who had a body-mass index above 25 had had sex with a man. For those considered normal weight, it was 82 percent. Researchers said that BMI was a factor independent of other things such as age, race or location. The lead researcher said it was not clear why overweight women were more active. "Our analysis demonstrated that overweight women do not differ significantly in some of the measures of sexual behavior compared to women of normal weight," said Dr. Bliss Kaneshiro.

I can't believe someone had to do a "study" to come to this conclusion. I could have told you this. It isn't common knowledge that a "thick" girl ::clearsthroat YOURS TRULY clearsthroat:: will put out faster and more frequently than her thinner counterparts, but, it is true, nonetheless.

You could compare this to getting a GREAT deal on a 5 star hotel and spa.... but in a city you don't necessarily want to visit. Like Council Bluffs, Iowa. Because if it was a city that everyone wanted to visit, the tourism board would be spending some money on cleaning some things up and making it appeal to a larger demographic, but it’s not, so it’s going to stay a dump but practically GIVE AWAY hotel stays and spa packages. (I think I just compared myself to Council Bluffs….)

I digress…

The article implies that they're not sure WHY? Well, that’s easy (just like the chubby chicks). These girls have no or low self esteem. If my friend Max has taught me one thing, it was that men totally go for girls that have no or low self esteem. In fact, last summer, while trying to teach me "game" he told me the one and only thing I needed to master was to drunkenly tell a guy that "I have low self esteem" and I'd be in the money.

Now I am the one left with questions… with the entire proverbial deck stack IN MY FAVOR, why can’t this sister get any love?