How to Flirt (if you don't want a date)

Jennie wants to investigate the world that is online dating. She refused to go into the abyss alone, so she asked if I’d, too, create a profile and we could “online double date.” Seeing how I am no e-dating virgin, it didn’t phase me to agree and set a time next week to get together and create our advertisements. I am, 99%, doing this just for her.

The other 1% is that damn “eternal hope” that will never die. I guess that I could be grateful for the fact that I am still hopeful and haven’t completely turned into a mean old spinster.

Regardless, since I am bothering to even go through with this, I might as well put a modicum of effort into it. Sigh. So, I read Expert Flirting Tips from MSN.com. After reading the list, the hope-o-meter is still at 1 percent….. only because I can’t do fractions.

10. Flirting is an attitude.
J-dawg nicknamed me “D-Rock-a-tude,” so, I have this one in the bag.

9. Start a conversation. The best opening line is saying hello.
“HI!” That’s all they’re giving me?

8. Have fun. Be playful, light-hearted and spontaneous. Show your vulnerability.
By curling up into the fetal position?

7. Use props.
PROPS?!?! Does my prosthetic arm qualify as a prop?

6. Be the host.
You are the host and he is the parasite.

5. Make the first. Say hello.
Again, all you’re giving me is “HI.” Next are you going to tell me to start talking about the weather?

4. Listen.
What did you say?

3. Eye contact.
I’m up here buddy.

2. Compliment your flirting partner.
“I like your shoes. Wanna Fuck?” doesn’t work. Allegedly.

1. Smile.
He’s already got the tape rolling….