Friday, August 15, 2014

Rocky Mountain Haiku

Nine day vacation
How best to tell the story?
Each day in Haiku

Day 1
Got an early start
Left at a quarter till noon
Only broke down twice

Day 2
Drove up the mountains
Set up camp and pitched the tent
Just in time for rain

Day 3
Off-roading in Jeeps
Dramamine was a god-send
No vomit this year!


Day 4
Hot shower and hot sex
And more rain, rain, rain. rain, rain
followed by more rain

Day 5
Parents get to camp
The rain continues to fall
They rent a cabin

Day 6
Sun shine? What the fuck?
Air out tent and go on hike
"Oh look, more rain clouds."

Day 7
Dad is not impressed
"Why go? A lake is a lake,
a rock is a rock."

Day 8
Finally clear skies
Night perfect for star gazing
Hello Milky Way

Day 9
Sadly homeward bound
Watch the mountains dissapear
Smaller, smaller, gone.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

7 Reasons to Hate Lists

Lists. You love them. You hate them. I HATE them more. That is actually a lie. I have loved lists for a long time. I've been known to make lists about the lists I need to make. Writing a list about all the chores I need to ignore complete is one of my favorite pastimes. And don't get me started on how it feels to cross off items on a list. One word: orgasmic.

But they've been ruined for me. Why, Internet, why? Why did you turn everything into a list? Why can't you write quality content and pertinent titles? Articles and headlines have jumped the shark and I know I'm not the only one longing for the day the Listicle (List + Article) DIES. I hope it dies in 66 Excruciating Steps.

Oh Lists, how I hate thee. Let me count the ways.

1. Is this *really* the only way you can intelligibly convey your idea to me?
You made me stoop to your level. 

2. Over. Used.
Can we please move on to the next thing so I can get sick of IT already?

3. They're all basically the same list.
Think about it. 13 Secrets of Happy People, 8 Best Burger Toppings, 32 Facts You Didn't Know About Antiques Roadshow. 

4. Pretty sure they just make shit up as they go along to make the list longer.
That's just lame. I would NEVER do that.

5. Sensationalism is THE WORST.
God, amiright? NOTHING is worse. Except maybe human trafficking, rigged financial systems, humanitarian crisis in Syria, starving children...

6. They're all a load of crap.
They never tell you something you didn't already know. 

7. And a complete, unfulfilled waste of time.
I'm looking at you HUFFINGTON POST.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Don't Eat at Applebee's... Con't.

You guys know I don't like Applebee's. The list starts here. But there's so many more. TOO many more. Each time I believe the slow/real food movement takes root (see what I did there?), there's another AppleHorn Factory popping up. Like a weed. Like a filty, resistant, same-mass-produced-food weed.

Do yourself a flavor favor and do NOT eat at Applebee's. ANY of them.

Cheddar's: Fancy Applebee's

LongHorn Steak House: Cowboy Applebee's

O'Charley's: Irish Applebee's. Oh wait, it's really Mexican?

TGIFridays: Office Space Applebee's

Cracker Barrel: Deliverance Applebee's

Cheesecake Factory: FanciER Applebee's

PF Changs: Asian Applebee's

Boston Market: Cafeteria Applebee's

Ruby Tuesday: I got nothing.

Bob Evans: Everything is Soft Applebee's

Buffalo Wild Wings: If you're going somewhere for the wings, have some respect and go to Hooters.

It should go without saying any establishment with a drive-thru or all-you-can-eat buffet should be avoided. Except Indian buffets. Mmmmmmmmmmindianbuffets.......

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Words Are Hard

Words are hard. Sometimes it's not our fault because the word we're looking for doesn't exist. When that happens you're left feeling a sense that no one understands you and the message you're trying to convey gets lost in the abyss of white noise... never to be heard, never to be understood.

To combat that, here are some words I (with the help of friends) have created. At least I think we created. If they exist already I don't want to know. Ignorance is bliss. I made that up too. 

an-shit-i-pa-tion [an-shit-i-pey-shun]
The feeling of a sudden, urgent, bowel movement one gets when anxious, excited, waiting for something important, or in line without someone to hold your place for you. Always in public, this feeling can strike without warning. Usually, but not always, accompanied by the sweats.

Natasha had a visceral reaction to the bargains at Maj-R thrift and was struck with anshitipations, leaving Sabrina in the dressing rooms.

de-pre-cious [dih-presh-uh s]
Being in a state of melancholy while simultaneously being adorable. Cute coinciding with gloom, dejection or sadness.

Sammy Davis Jr's meows for more food are deprecious.

me-gan-eese [meh-gun-ees]
Talking nonsensical, juxtaposing letters or even whole words in sentences. Abusing and potentially misusing synonyms. Not a symptom of drinking, however, imbibing can compound the issue. Named for Megan and her mouth.

"Wahoo, I got a dancy frink from the hamburger!" "Go home Megan, you're drunk." "But home good are sleepy is tuch mime." 

dork-es-tra [dawrk-es-strah]
A group of musicians that routinely play and perform together and would rather practice, practice, practice than have a social life.

"Natasha, do you want to go out tonight?" "No, I have dorkestra practice."  

an-ni-hil-plate [uh-nayh-uh-pleyt]
To eat your food quickly, to utterly destroy your meal. To reek havoc on meal time. See: Hangry.

Hungry, Jon annihiplated the spaghetti in 3 seconds flat.