Monday, July 18, 2011


About a month ago I went to the City Market for fresh produce. I got delicious fruits and vegetables and one GIANT nut.

Michael was strumming his guitar, working for tips between the vendors displays. I caught his eye and he started chatting with me. He asked if I would be willing to have a cup of coffee with him. Since he was a little artistic, friendly, not fugly and he assured me that he had a "real" job  I agreed.

Spoiler alert: we never went for coffee.

Not too long after that my text box became FULL with messages from him. I told him I kick it old-school and when a gentleman courts me, he should call when he wants to talk. So then my vmail inbox became full with messages. It wasn't long before I knew we weren't going to have the coffee.

Towards the end of what would be our last conversation, I was thinking of ways to break the news that coffee ain't gonna happen. So far in the conversation he had mentioned the scripture and the lord too many times to count and also gave me the run down on his views on abortion. I knew what I had to do.

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Michael, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?"

In a NUT-shell, Michael is very much against gay marriage as "those sinners are choosing a life style that is unholy and against God's way."

This didn't surprise me. I broke the news gently "listen, for that and many other reasons, I can tell you that I don't want to go out with you. I'm going with my intuition here." I didn't have the energy or the desire to explain to him that even if he was all for equal human rights I STILL wouldn't want to hang out with him.

Michael lost his shit. First he called me a hypocrite. Then he called me a sinner. Then he called me a racist. He called me some other things too but I stopped paying attention and just wanted to get off the phone.

"Listen, I'm sorry. Good luck with your guitar. Goodbye!"

2 seconds later he called me back. Twice. And then he texts me. ALL of these I ignore. A few days later he left a message that says "we got off on a wrong foot and I'd love to start over again" and offer a casual date to the Sade concert to help heal over any sore spots.

I ignored that too. Most of his calls and his texts (which either berated my character OR asked me to give "us" a second chance) have been treated the same way since our last conversation....... two weeks ago. The time I actually texted back I said "not interested, goodbye."

This morning a co-worker who knows part of the story asked me how my stalker was doing. "Great!" I said. "I haven't heard from him since Friday! (when he called me pre-surgery letting me know that if he died, he was thankful to have met me. Then a post-surgery message to let me know he was OK.)"

I spoke too soon. I checked my phone later in the morning. Fun with Crazy Michael was NOT over. I decided to share instead of deleting them this time. (fun note: I copied the texts verbatim)

i just need some answers if possible? I need to know wht i did to turn u off? Also were u ever interested or did u concock a argument to back out?

I won't text or call u again but this taught me never to compromise my values, wht u do marrying homosexuals is a abomination cause the same sex cant create life, repent from ur wickedness. The same homosexuals u stnad up for are pervented w unnatural sex acts and backbiting literally. Repent and stop or God will curse u for ur actions. Take care and seek wisdom out of the bible.
Part 2 u said u are iranian i know u didnt grow up those values, its a repressed action to get back at ur parents. They taught u better i know not to follow the western wickedness such as anything goes as long as it feels good. You have been corrupted and i know ur patriarchs would turn over in their graves if they knew u did such things. Be a woman and keep integrity and don't let babylon destroy ur soul. Salam.

I was nearly tempted to respond this time.


Nadine said...

I don't know, Crazy Michael had me at "concock."

Bill Wabbit said...

I am sitting here with my jaw hanging open...

drock58 said...

Your Matriarch is stunned at the rudeness of your staalker!!! God is love and Michael was not speaking in Love. Your patience is amazing and I am very proud that my daughter accepts ALL people regardless of their nationality, religon , or sexual preferences.

MerciBlahBlah said...

Ditto what Bill Wabbit said. Unbelivable.

Theoismycat said...

Oh, wow.

Ben Rekittke said...

concock was a minor laugh, the rest were more disturbing

Michael has never read the Bible, or the Torah, or the Quran, or even the drive-through menu at Taco bell.
Michael has never had to think for himself, and he will die confused as to why the entire world cant spend hate or pitty on him....we just dont care.

Stevester said...

So does that mean he won't go on a date with me? *sadly puts tutu, lube, duct tape and date rape drug back into crown royal bag and inserts into rectum* Oh well!