Wednesday, April 29, 2009

A return to form

I have a working list of thing I need to blog about. On it, I have: my half marathon, Earth day (and being on TV!), my Rock Band debut, becoming a Big Sister (no, my parents are not having a “geriatrics” baby… I’m becoming a Big Sister as in Big Brother Big Sister) and a myriad of other antic dotal tales.

Yesterday, however, I was reminded of one of the main reasons I felt I needed to start a blog: to be able to tell the stories of my dating life in one central location for my friends and family so that I needn’t craft 14 different emails to tell everyone about it. And I’m totally inflating that number to make it appear like I have 14 people in my life that give a damn.

We’ll call him Mr. Suspenders.

Mr. Suspenders contacted me via the “KC Pimp” dating site. I had utterly and completely forgotten I was a member, so it was quite a pleasant surprise to receive an email notification saying I had been sent a message… and from someone cute to boot! Emails were exchanged. Phone numbers were next and then we met for dinner last Thursday.

If I blogged Thursday night or… or actually ANY time prior to Monday evening you would have been reading about someone that I was really excited to have met. We had overlapping taste in music, movies, books, style, humor PLUS he wore suspenders and carried a pocket watch!

He laughed and appreciated my use of the word “jaunty.”

He used the word “capitol.”

After dinner, we took a nice walk and then he offered to walk me home. After I made him promise to not get too fresh, I invited him up to my apartment. We talked about some of the books and art I have and eventually he kissed me. But he kept his promise and didn’t get too fresh. Before he left, we both agreed that we’d like to see each other again and Monday night would work for both of our schedules.

Over the weekend I sent him a text asking if he could wear his suspenders Monday. He said he would and he implied he wanted me to wear stockings… the nylon variety, not the Christmas kind… in return.

So, Monday at 7:30, when he was at my door step I was quite surprised to see him in jeans, a hoodie and a ski cap. Dressed in black fishnet stockings, an adorable black & pearl-colored dress w/ black cardigan (it was a little chilly), a multi-strand, vintage pearl necklace, fuscia heels and a purple clutch, you could understand why the first thing I said when I saw him was “What the fuck? Where are the suspenders?”

“Sorry. I had a long day and I went home and changed after work.”

“Look at how cute I am and look how homeless you look. We don’t go together at all. The only reason I’m wearing this is because you had told me you’d be nicely dressed with suspenders!”

“Sorry. Do you want to change?”

And it was just downhill from there. The only positive thing about dinner was the larger-than-average piece of feta cheese on my salad. Man, I love feta cheese. Conversation was laborious and many times I felt as if he’d rather be anywhere but with me. Without being nosey (it was only our 2nd date after all), I tried to get him to tell me if something was on his mind beyond me and our date. Those attempts were fruitless.

We headed back to my place and decided to watch a movie. Prime make-out time, right? WRONG? He actually wanted to just watch the movie. And it was a movie he had seen (and a book that he had read…)…. So… I was confused. I know I can’t hold a candle to Giselle Bunchen (Giselle BRADY, now, I suppose)…. But I’m nothing to shake a stick at! Even Liz said yesterday that if I ever wanted to put a move on her while we’re watching a movie that she would TOTALLY make out with me. Thanks Liz.

So, after about an hour of trying to get some play from this joker, I gave up. We finished the movie and he left. He gave me a couple of good bye smooches and said he’d see me later. LEST HE KNEW that during the last hour of the movie I had decided that I didn’t want to see him since he was, clearly, an astronogical* asshole (and for the record, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to make out with me – though that is part of it – he was totally inconsiderate of me the entire evening and didn’t even bother to be good, thoughtful company).

Seeing the error of his ways, albeit 14 hours too late, Mr. Suspenders sent me an apology the next morning along with some lame excuse about how he was acting strange because he received news that his grandmother might have to be admitted to the hospital right before he came over. I expressed concern for his g-ma, but I told him that he should have rescheduled or told me something was up because the way he acted was unacceptable.

He said that he didn’t want to reschedule OR talk about it, which, in his mind, excused his behavior. I disagreed and told him that I do not let people treat me like that regardless the reason, therefore I did not want to see him again.

I emailed Shannan and Amy and told them both that he was a complete DUD and Shannan responded “He is not just a Dud, he is like the Super Hero of Duds. The Mayor of Dudsville. Dudly DoWrong. President of Dudler Mifflin.”

Truer words have never been spoken.

*New word – Astronogical (adj.) Definition: huge, large, enormous, bigger than astronomical.


rubigimlet said...

i sort of wish there was a visual aid with this post. like, while i understand photographic evidence of this douchebaggery is unlikely, an artist's rendering of the suspect should help out other young hot kc singles in fuchsia pumps and a purple clutch (sessay). JIC there was any doubt -- I'm frenching the screen right now.

Stevester said...

I shall now use your new word to describe various body parts from now on, sadly, the only one on myself I can usa said term for is my man-gut. Can I use your term when we go see Bruno if I use the German accent?