Monday, April 28, 2008

It's a Business Doing Pleasure

I'll admit that I've used a dating service in the past. and the like. Yeah, I've had various accounts and, obviously, didn't have much (long-lived) luck. 97% of the guys I went out on a date with didn't make it to round 2. This should in no way reflect badly on MY date-ability, however, I just haven't met someone that is an interesting, funny, non-douche-baggy, doesn't live with their mom, has no cats (or ferrets) kind of guy (I've met several different incarnations of this NOT guy, let me asure you).

This brings me to the latest dating service I've employed. We'll call them "The KC Pimp." Now, well before I had signed on to become a member of The KC Pimp's entourage, I had closed all my online dating accounts because I realized that I didn't really care about being in a relationship. I have awesome friends, money in the bank and lots and lots of really sweet shoes. My life; it is complete.

So why sign up? Well, a friend is the Relationship Counselor and said she needed girls to even out her guy heavy dating pool. So armed with a friend on each arm (Liz & Whitney) we went to sign up and to fill out a multiple choice questionnaire that would land us the guys of our dreams.

Part of the Service that The KC Pimp provides is monthly social events. On the calendar this month? A day at the K! Me and my girls donned our tailgating gear (flats), sustenance (24 pack of beer and ingredients for Jager Bombs) and a smile. We were instantly the belles of the ball. And I genuinely believe that we would have owned that title even if it wasn't given to us by default. But seeing how our "competition" came in the form of a socially awkward tom boy with tapered jeans & ugly shoes, a lady with Adult Braces and her little boy in tow, some chic with a hot-pink, long-sleeve t-shirt and a bee-keepers hat and Bobbi Jo, the title was in the bag. Bobbi Jo was (a lot) older than us (however, her clothes and make up tried desperately to convince us that she was our age) and therefore a non-threat.

This should demonstrate how the proverbial deck was stacked in our favor.

However, our lack of competition only meant that, logically, there was a lack of candidates. Scratch Lack. Insert "Complete and Utter Void."

A small sampling:

Dumb Frat Dude: DFD had emailed and texted me a few times before this past weekend. My instant impression of him was not a good one. His texting style is mildly retarded (How r u 2day?) and he thought that Worlds of Fun would be a great First Date. I was expecting someone dumb with no conversational skills and he delivered. (lol!)

Ghey But Doesn't Know It Dude: GBDKID came in from Houston (or Dallas or Corpus Christie... I wasn't paying attention) for this event. I imagined that, in order to explain his attire, his luggage was lost or stolen and all he had to wear was his "Liberace Goes Gangsta" outfit from the last Halloween where he sexually experimented with "Raul," but blames the lack of inhibitions on the two apple martinis he had.

The Gentle Giant: TGG was super nice, sweet and funny. He came in just at 7'1'' and loved to drink and liked to poke fun at himself and his height. Nice guy, but not dateable.

Showed Up Late Guy: SULG (who, no joke, kinda looked like a SLUG) was there for the food. He made up for valuable lost time by cramming popcorn, nachos and hot dogs down his trap at a non-stop pace. At one point, shortly before I had to stop paying attention, he had taken a bucket of popcorn and dumped several scoops of jalapenos in and was shoveling the contents into his mouth. I haven't come up with a reason why there was a huge mustard stain on his ass, though my early theory involves him stealing Adult Braces Girl's little boy's hot dog from him and he putting up a fight back, thus resulting in mustard stains on the attacker.

African Guy: Straight off the boat. Seemed kinda cool, kinda aloof but that might have added to the appeal. Though when Liz wanted to know how to say "Hello" in his native language, he was a stickler for accent and pronunciation. I mean, we were 3 drunk, mid-west girls and he was getting irritated that the last syllable wasn't PERFECT. Our English ain't any better, so take it or leave it.

I'm confident that The KC Pimp will be able to hook me up in style. Surely the crowd out this past Saturday wasn't their best representation of the eligible bachelors. But it's either The KC Pimp or my friends and the latter has already attempted to hook me up with a gay man AND a guy with no car and lives with his mother. She isn't a very good friend (anymore).

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