Monday, March 17, 2008

Elevator Etiquette

For those of you unfortunate enough to have to ride in an elevator (and not in an Aerosmith sort of way but in a corporate, 9-5 sort of way), I offer these tips to help make your time spent in the elevator efficient, effective and inoffensive to others. But more importantly to help me not hate you.

1. If you are going to be THAT asshole and take the elevator to go 1 (ONE) floor, please stay towards the front of the elevator and do not wedge yourself in the back. Not only do I hate you for being lazy, I hate you for pushing me out of the way and making me bump into the older, fat lady next to me. Just take the GD Stairs next time.

2. If the floor button you're traveling to is already lit, it is unnecessary to push it again. The elevator is not keeping inventory of how many people on the elevator want off on 8.

3. Use deodorant before using an elevator.

4. If you and I are one of the last people on the elevator, it is okay (recommended, in fact) to readjust and move away from me. Now, let me add a few clauses here. If you're hot (guy from this morning, are you reading this?) stay put (because you did and thank you!). But if you're not attractive, please move to the opposite corner. Is this unfair? Yes. So is life, now get off my leg. And regardless of your aesthetics, if you never follow #3, always follow #4.


Stevester said...

And now, to counter, I add my own Elevator Etiquette to Annoy people. Very Nice!

1. If you are on the elevator and you are male, and the only other occupant is female, stand as close to her as legally possible and face her for the whole ride. Even if you have to turn away from the door. Great times, and how I met my wife.

2. If you have to fart, wait until you are in an elevator alone. This will let other people know you had been there.

3. If your manager breaks the elevator panel with her gihugeous ass, it is ethically alright to laugh at her (This really happened, and the gentleman this happened to did not laugh. Idiot)

I must say I agree with your rules as well. Also may I note that dry humping in the elevator is not the same as cheating, and is encouraged to pass the time!

Natasha said...

Nice additions, I think someone followed your #2 earlier.

Becky said...

I certainly heart my Newtasha. I want to thank you for providing me with entertainment during biology. I find I am much happier when I get to learn elevator etiquette instead of listening about polygenic traits and chromosomal inheritance.