Thursday, October 7, 2010

How to Have the Best Hawaiian Vacation EVER in 67 Easy Steps

[Results may vary. This a 100% accurate account of my vacation in early June 2010.]

1. Have your little brother and his fiance decide to get married in Maui.

2. Have your parents buy your plane ticket as a Christmas gift.

3. Discover some good friends of yours will be on the island AT THE EXACT same time as you. Buy matching floppy hats.

4. Create a "Hawaii Bucket List."

5. Finish your packing at 3:30am - just enough time to get a good night's sleep for 45 minutes before leaving for the airport.

6. Bust open the seam of your suitcase while bringing it downstairs. Then duct tape that S.O.B. to within an inch of its life.

7. Take a super cute picture of you and your mom on the plane.

8. Land in Maui.

9. Go to the store with you mom because your aunt got super sick on the plane and she needs Gatorade and jell-o.

10. Enjoy the view from the back porch of your home away from home.

11. Volunteer to take the snorkeling spot vacated by your sick aunt the next morning. EVEN THOUGH FISH SCARE THE SH!T OUT OF YOU.

12. While on the ferry to the Snorkeling expedition, you realize that you're headed to Molokini. This step should only be taken if you have been doing research on Maui before your trip and have seen pictures of this place and thought it was Freaking GORGEOUS and didn't realize that is where the snorkeling was gonna be.

13. Snorkel with REAL LIVE fishes and live to tell about it. You're such a bad ass.

14. Get super sassy and bewbilicious for the Luau/Rehearsal Dinner.
15. Fall in love with Maui, vow to move.

16. Take a magnificent morning stroll.

17. Attend your brother's wedding.

18. Wake up REALLY early the next morning to take your mom scuba diving. This is the agreement you make to be able to borrow the car that day.

19. Take your borrowed car and meet up with Lee & Sabrina in Ka'anaapali.

20. Pose with your big floppy hats.

21. Stay even after they have to leave.

22. Befriend the locals that start talking to you. Go to dinner with the group. Get their number.

23. The next night make eggplant Parmesan for your family and use crushed croutons as the breading since someone couldn't find breadcrumbs at the grocery store.

24. Meet up with the really hot local from Step 22 later that night.

25. Make out hot and heavy on the beach.

26. Take the beautiful but treacherous "Road to Hana" the next morning with your family.

27. Let fish nibble at your feet. Be proud at yourself for continuing to overcome your fears!

28. Conquer your fear of heights and jump off a rock ledge into a pool below.

29. Forget to "tuck" and do an ass/thigh-flop.

30. Bruise from it.

31. Wake up on your last FULL day and realize your bucket list isn't close to completed. Make horse back riding reservations.

32. Take a day trip to Olivine with Ren, your Hawaiian Hottie.

33. Agree to meet up with him again after he gets off work.

34. Take a moment and be SO FLIPPING THANKFUL that your trip has been magical. You're leaving in about 24 hours and a little sad about it.

35. Meet "Ren the Local" at Sugar Beach. Notice the there is a small brush fire on the side of one of the west mountains.

36. Star gaze with the local on the beach. Listen to the native legends & ancient history he knows, wish on the shooting stars you see and then cross off one of the two items on your Hawaii bucket list - and it ain't the horse back riding.

37. Bask in complete happiness.

38. Back at the house, wake up your mom to show her the fire.

39. Reflect with her about the trip, how awesome it's been, what you're thankful for (her and your family!) and admit that you kinda don't want to go home.

40. With very little sleep, drag your butt out of bed and drive 45 minutes, to another side of the island, to go horse back riding. Because Gosh Darnit!!! you're going to finish all TWO items on your list even if you have to go alone. Your plane doesn't leave until the evening so there's time to be there and back well before it's time to leave.

41. Ride a horse! But before you do that, meet Ren for coffee to say "Aloha," since saying goodbye would probably be really, really sad.

42. Call your family when you're done to tell them you'll be back in an hour but before you can get to that part, they tell you that the highway - the one you're on - is shut down from the fire. It's grown and grown and the smoke has gotten so thick and dangerous that officials had to shut down the highway.

43. Sit in traffic, stay calm. It's only noon and your family isn't leaving for the airport for another 6 hours.

44. Continue to sit in traffic but start to wish that you'd gone to the bathroom back at the Ranch.

45. 3 hours of holding your bladder WHILE LOOKING OUT INTO THE OCEAN is pretty difficult.

46. Pull your car off the side of the road. You want to stretch and not be stuck in a car.

47. After 4 o'clock rolls around take this as a sign from the Universe that you should never leave Maui and start making a list of what you need to do to stay.

48. Call your parents for the 30th time to tell them you're still not moving and you're ALMOST freaking out. But more than anything - you just want to pee.

49. Hear on the radio that the back road-mountain-highway, the one that hugs the entire perimeter of the mountain, has been diverted so that those stuck can get to the other side. You ignore the warnings that only locals who know the road should go.

50. Find a gas station and pee. Accidentally lock the key in the restroom.

51. Start your trek through the scary, windy, narrow, steep, turny, edge-of-cliff road against your parent's wishes. Tell them you don't know what else to do and that you have to at least try to get back to the house. Lose your phone signal.

52. Figuratively, run into stopped traffic. Yell "Hell NO!!!!" out loud. You're NOT about to sit in hours and hours worth of traffic again. Do a 7 point u-turn and head back into civilization.

53. Call mom. Bawling. You don't know what to do. It's almost 7pm. Everyone but her has left for the airport. She tells you everything will be ok and just to stay in touch.

54. Go to the beach. Watch the sunset. Know everything will be OK. It's OK to cry here because it's been an emotional week and day.

55. Ren calls, they've re-opened the highway.

56. Make the trek home. Traffic creeps by, but at least it's moving.

57. Become sad when you see the damage the fire has done. Beautiful Maui has been scarred.

58. Finally make it back to the house close to 10pm. Your mom tells you that the airline can't get you both a flight home for another 3 days and that the property manager said you could stay put until Friday.

59. Laugh with hysterical gratitude at the extra 3 days in paradise The Universe just gave you.

60. Go to Big Beach for Extra Bonus Day #1.

61. Watch a Meteor shower that night with your mom.

62. Go snorkeling at Honolua Bay, Hiking and back to Olivine for Extra Bonus Day #2.

63. Work on Hawaiian-Haole relations that night. Nudge Nudge wink wink.

64. Later, watch MORE shooting stars with your mom. Have her point out the Milky Way Galaxy.

65. Laundry. Packing. Say Aloha to new friends.

66. One last sunset at the beach with your mom. Rainbows appear in the surf!

67. Take a final (and very rough looking) "End of Trip" picture with your mom at airport.


Traveler said...


Carey B said...

Love this post. Love you. Love that MYIBTY is back.

Bill Wabbit said...

I second that!